ANGEL
By Morticia
Part 27 - 30
Disclaimers see Part 1
KATHRYN
When I returned to Voyager from the surface of V'rakn, I had a long conference with the Doctor and then gathered my thoughts before summoning Chakotay to my ready room.
"Captain?" He said questioningly as he entered.
"Call me Kathryn," I replied gently, gesturing him to a seat "Coffee? Tea?"
"Tea, thank you. What’s this about? Are you ready to tell me why we’ve come here?" Chakotay asked
I knew that he’d been dying of curiosity since my abrupt course change but he’d respected my refusal to explain.
"Yes, and I appreciate the fact that you didn’t question my decision not to tell you before."
Chakotay gave me a wide, lazy smile
"You’re the Captain, anyway I figured you’d tell me sooner or later."
I handed him his tea and was careful to wait until he had put it down on the table before I continued to speak
"We came here for Tom. The Y'ndorians told me that there was a chance of a cure for him here and I have been down there discussing the matter with the V'rakn'hal government."
"What did they say? Can they cure him?" Chakotay nearly shouted, jerking in his seat with excitement.
"Perhaps. It’s not as straightforward as I was hoping. There are several problems. First off, they can definitely cure Tom’s condition but there’s only a 50/50 chance of him being better off because of the procedure."
"The operation was a success but the patient died?" Chakotay muttered quietly
"What?"
"Old saying."
"Yes, well it’s oddly appropriate. The procedure would mean Tom being immersed in a regeneration tank and his body being subjected to a cell by cell clone replacement. It would take about a month to complete and no one would know whether his brain survived the operation intact until the whole process was over."
"So instead of being paralyzed with an intact brain he might be mobile but brain damaged?" Chakotay asked in horror.
"Essentially, although the V'rakn'hal medics have clearly stated that they would not be prepared to revive him if that was the outcome." I replied gently and waited for that to sink in. Chakotay went almost white, as he understood what I was saying.
"So Tom has a 50/50 chance of either a total cure or death."
"Yes"
"Those odds are not acceptable. I will not risk his life!" he shouted suddenly, jumping to his feet and pacing the room like a caged Targ.
"It’s not your choice to make, Chakotay, it’s Tom’s." I reminded him gently
"So you are going to let him do it?"
he asked incredulously
"As I said, there are several problems. That is the first.
The second is that I am not prepared to put nearly 140 lives on
hold unless the crew all agree that they are prepared to
wait."
"You’re going to put Tom’s life to the vote? That’s disgusting."
"I thought you objected to the procedure?" I reminded him
"I do, but I also object to the thought that no-one could be bothered to wait for him to try it if that’s his choice, it’s only a month godamnit"
"That’s the final problem. The cure will take a huge amount of energy. While the V'rakn'hal are quite prepared to treat Tom as a ‘humanitarian’ gesture, they require that we provide the energy. Voyager can barely function as it is. We are held together by sticking plaster and elastic. The amount of energy they are talking about will drain our reserves, put the replicators off line indefinitely, close the holodecs and restrict us to warp 6 maximum until we can find a new source of energy. It could add months to our journey. I cannot do that to the crew without their agreement."
I saw Chakotay reluctantly absorb my words. "So what are you planning to do?"
"After Tom has gone to bed tonight, I will signal an all quarters and tell everyone of the situation. If, and only if, they agree we will bring the matter up to Tom. If the vote goes against him he must never know the chance existed."
"It would destroy him." Chakotay whispered softly.
"Exactly."
"That’s a lot of people to keep a secret. Maybe it would be better to let the matter drop here and now. Tom is fine now; he has me to take care of him. He’s accepted his life. I don’t want to risk losing him or his finding out at a later date that the crew refused to help him."
I was completely caught off guard by his comment. Surely Chakotay couldn’t honestly prefer the situation to continue as it was?
"You don’t have the right Chakotay. Neither of us does. He must decide for himself, IF the rest of the crew agrees." I retorted firmly and was relived by his reluctant agreement.
If there were any way to convince the crew, I would let Tom take the risk. Rather that than watch Tom and Chakotay continue to descend further into their mutual spiral of dependency.
CHAKOTAY
I made love to Tom that night as though I might never have the chance to touch him again. It was possibly true. If the vote went in his favour, he would be taken off the ship in the morning and I might never see him alive again.
I was surprised by my own selfishness, that I would rather keep Tom like this than risk losing him. But we had been through so much together and looking after Tom centered me. In a strange way his paralysis assured me that he was mine forever. A cured Tom would not need me. Might not love me. But more than that a dead Tom would need no one. I would be left alone. I couldn’t bear the thought of it.
However, I had no intention of taking away his right to decide. Kathryn was correct. It was Tom’s choice alone and I was damned well sure I would support his right to have that choice. So after Tom was finally asleep I patched his alarms through to the Doctor, dressed and crept out of our quarters to catch the end of the crew meeting.
All but a skeleton crew were gathered in the cargo bay. As I entered, the Captain’s explanation was drawing to a close and I saw lots of eyes swivel in my direction but I just joined Kathryn to add my silent presence to her words.
"So there is a chance for Tom, which he may or may not wish to accept, but if he does it will affect all of us for a long time. I am therefore giving you all a chance to have your say. I have made enough decisions that have universally affected you already, this time you must choose for yourselves."
Kathryn looked slowly around the faces of the solemn crew:
"Does anyone have any questions before the vote?"
"Will the ship be able to function safely with so little power?" Sam Wildeman asked quietly
"B’Elanna? Would you like to answer that?" Kathryn asked and B’Elanna leapt forwards and turned on Sam aggressively
"Yes it will. Okay, so you won’t be able to use the holodecs and you’ll have to eat in the mess hall and there won’t be any private replicator privileges but life will still be more bearable for all of us than it has been for Tom for the last year and a half." She spat viciously and Sam flinched.
I cheered internally, even as I prodded B’Elanna in the back and whispered at her to calm down.
"I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound like I don’t care about Tom" Sam explained plaintively "But I have to think of Naomi’s well-being too."
I saw a number of the crew nod their understanding and agreement. It was a fair point. This wasn’t just about their comforts, but about their lives. It was understandable that they would question the wisdom of giving up half our power supply.
"So, if the procedure doesn’t work, and Tom dies, will we still have to pay?" Ayala asked and I tried not to glower at him.
"The V'rakn'hal will still have expended the energy. We will have no honorable alternative but to pay the fee anyway." Kathryn explained and the muttering in the crew grew louder.
There were remarkably few more questions and no actual dissenters. I chalked the later down to how well people had grown to respect Tom in the last year or so rather than an indication of their agreement to the plan. If we had had this discussion shortly after his accident, I was sure that there would have been a number of vocal protests but I had the feeling that people would prefer to vote their no privately now.
And with a sinking feeling, as I looked around the crew, I was almost certain that most of them would reluctantly decline.
"The vote will be anonymous." The Captain said quietly, "After you have all had a chance to think it through you can use your comm stations to vote. When the decision has been made I will advise you of the result. Again, I must point out that if the vote goes against Tom he must never be told that this situation happened."
There was a loud murmur of assent and then people began to disperse in huddled groups. I felt quite nauseous.
"What do you think, Kathryn?"
"Who knows, Chakotay, who knows?"
I walked slowly back to my quarters, checked Tom was sleeping quietly and sat down in the living room and stared out of the portal at the planet below.
It was about an hour later when Kathryn commed me with the results of the vote.
I listened quietly, feeling the blood rushing in my head and then I simply said, "I understand" and turned the com-link off.
I dropped back into my seat and simply cried my eyes out.
TOM
When I woke up, Chakotay was not in bed next to me where he belonged. I admit that I panicked a bit and called out for him. He appeared out of the darkness of the living quarters and walked up to me with obvious reluctance.
"What’s wrong, babe? Are you in pain?" He asked gently and even in the gloom I could see that his cheeks were stained with tears.
"I’m fine, but you obviously aren’t." I said in concern. "Why have you been crying?"
Chakotay looked at me guiltily, tried to speak, failed and then turned away from me abruptly and his shoulders shook with silent sobs.
"Chak, what’s wrong?" I cried in panic "What have I done?"
My automatic assumption of guilt broke through his misery and he swung back to face me.
"Nothing, Babe. It’s nothing you’ve done. I promise."
"Then what’s wrong?"
"I can’t tell you. I don’t know how to tell you." He gulped
"Chak. I’m really getting frightened and pissed off now." I warned him angrily. Chakotay was my strength, my protector; I couldn’t cope with seeing him fall apart.
"Okay, let me ask you a question and you must answer it honestly."
"Of course." I snapped bitterly, I had never deliberately lied to Chakotay and it offended me that he’d even suggest it.
"If there was a chance, a 50/50 chance say, of you being cured but if it went wrong you would die, would you take it?"
"Sure" I said automatically
"No, Tom. Seriously. Is your life still so unbearable that you would risk death, risk losing what we have together, just on a remote chance of a cure?"
"50/50 is not remote, it’s even, Chakotay, and as much as I love you and am prepared to accept that this is the way my life has to be, I would have to try it, if I could. But since I can’t, I think it’s a bit insensitive of you to ask."
"Even if trying meant you died?" he persisted.
"Yes" I snapped, wishing he would drop the subject.
"Oh, that’s what I thought." He whispered sadly.
"Why?"
"Because that’s why we are orbiting this planet. The V'rakn'hal have a cure. At least they promise that you will either be cured or die. There’s no other outcome possible. Your transport down has been arranged for 0900 if you want to try it."
"Oh god, that’s fucking fantastic. Why the hell are you crying?"
I gasped
"Just happy for you, Babe" He said with apparent sincerity although something in his voice didn’t sound quite right. But I was too excited to worry about it at that moment.
"Oh god, Chakotay. I will be able to walk down the aisle to our wedding." I gushed happily
"Or you’ll be dead" he whispered sadly and I realised suddenly why he had been crying after all.
"Everyone dies, Chak, but I might be able to walk! That’s all that matters." I cried, I could almost feel the sensation returning to my legs just at the thought of a cure.
"I know, babe. It’s wonderful," he said but I heard the fear in his voice and realised that he was terrified of losing me forever.
"I have to do it, Chak. I just have to." I apologized sadly
"I know, Babe, I know."
"Hold me, Chak." I begged and he lay down next to me and wrapped his arms around me, for what I suddenly realised could be the last time.
"I love you, Chak. Remember that, whatever happens, I love you."
"I love you too, Tom. Don’t leave me. Don’t die."
I couldn’t think of an appropriate reply, and he didn’t seem to expect one, so we just lay there together and waited for morning to come.
HARRY
I met Tom at the transporter room as he was waiting for the V'rakn'hal to collect him. Of course, I had been in the Mess Hall earlier when most of the crew had gathered to say goodbye and good luck to Tom. It had been a really touching and emotional moment and Tom had begun to cry.
Seeing his distress, the Captain had asked everyone other than his closest friends to give Tom a little privacy for his final departure and Chakotay had guided him away to prepare.
Sure that I was included in that elite group of close friends, I had hurried to say my own private goodbye. B'Elanna, the Captain and The Doctor were all leaving as I entered the room and I was therefore not terribly surprised to find Tom alone, except that one person's absence stuck out like a sore thumb.
"Where's Chakotay?" I asked with concern. Surely he would be transporting down with Tom and making sure he was settled?
"He's gone ahead to talk with the V'rakn'hal doctors and arrange for his own accommodation at the hospital."
Tom saw my surprise and continued ruefully.
"He's insisting on staying with me even though I'll be out of it the whole time. I told him to just go off and enjoy himself for a change. He's been looking after me for months and from what I understand, even if the operation is successful I'll still need weeks of therapy to walk again. I wanted him to take this time as a kind of vacation."
"I understand what you mean, Tom but you're not being realistic. He is hardly going to run around pretending to be on holiday while you are in the hospital. I mean everybody is looking forwards to a month of shoreleave but we all know why we are here, and no one is going to really relax until it's over."
"I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to go through with it." Tom mused quietly
"Has he said so?" I asked in surprise.
I had heard nothing but public support from Chakotay for Tom's decision. He admittedly had not been as enthusiastic as I might have expected, but then again we were all conscious of the substantial danger to Tom and it had sobered all celebrations.
"Not in so many words. He's probably just worried about the risk but, I know this is going to sound weird, but I also get the feeling that he doesn't really WANT me to get better."
"That's crazy, Tom. Why the hell wouldn't he want you to be cured?"
Despite my angry words, I was worried by the possibility he was right. It was obvious to all of us recently that Chakotay seemed to almost relish his role as Tom's champion. Sue and I had already discussed several concerns over Chakotay's apparent obsession with looking after Tom. As much as it was wonderful for Tom, sometimes it just didn't seem 'right'.
"I dunno, Haz, maybe it's a spiritual thing, perhaps it seems to him that I am struggling against my fate." Tom said thoughtfully "It’s like he thinks this happened for a reason. To give us a chance to be together. He thinks that my wanting to take the risk means that our relationship doesn’t mean as much to me as it does to him."
"Shit, that must really piss you off!"
"I guess it ought to, but it's comforting too. He really cares. He just has a fatalistic attitude to life. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten this far!"
"There's a difference between fatalistic and selfish..." I started to say but Tom's eyes warned me not to go there.
"Promise me something, Haz."
"Anything, Tom."
"If I - if I don't come back, give the ring to Chakotay and tell him how much I loved him. That just being with him has made the last year the best time of my whole life, despite everything."
"Then why risk it, Tom? He loves you as you are now. Perhaps he's right about things being meant to be this way." I said abruptly, suddenly being selfish myself. I couldn't bear to think that I might never see Tom again.
"Get a grip, Haz. Would you stay like this if you had the chance of a cure?" Tom laughed bitterly
"No, I'm not as brave as you Tom. I would have given up long before now."
"I would have too, except for Chakotay. I want to get better for his sake too. I know I'm a burden to him."
"He doesn't mind, Tom. He enjoys looking after you."
"Maybe too much" Tom said sadly
"What do you mean?" I asked, although to tell the truth I knew exactly what he was saying, and I agreed.
"That being cured is the only way I'll ever know..." Tom's voice trailed off and he stared blindly into some inner space
"Know what?" I prompted gently
"Whether he really loves me at all" Tom looked at me with eyes full of hurt and confusion
"I sometimes think that when I'm well again, he'll leave me. As often as I have prayed for a cure there's been this other voice that warned me that the price of walking again would be Chakotay leaving me."
"Never, Tom. Chakotay would never leave you!" I cried in astonishment. "He loves you in spite of your injuries, not because of them!"
"You sound so sure, Haz. I wish I was."
"You'll see for yourself soon."
"Yeah, I guess." Tom said sadly, unconvinced.
Before I could say anything else, the transporter pads glowed and two V'rakn'hal medics appeared and began to quietly and efficiently arrange for Tom's departure.
At the last minute, just before his atoms scattered, I yelled
"Don't you dare die on me Tom Paris!"
And he gave me a cocky, flyboy grin and disappeared.
KATHRYN
It had been a terrible four weeks for me. I was exhausted by my daily efforts to keep dragging Chakotay away from Tom's room and out into the cool morning sun of V'rakn.
It was a beautiful, climate-controlled planet. Even though we were in the midst of their natural winter, the chill was minimal and the scenery breath taking. Chakotay and I took long quiet walks around the landscape. Each day I managed to keep him away from Tom for a little longer.
I had landed Voyager on the surface and given unrestricted shoreleave to the whole crew. It had been a peaceful rest for everyone in the midst of our long journey. Despite the underlying strain in everyone's faces as the countdown to Tom's emergence crept onwards, the shore leave had been undoubtedly beneficial too. I could see serenity in people that had not existed for years.
Except for Chakotay. Despite my insistence on taking him physically from Tom's side, he always seemed to leave his soul behind with Tom. Sometimes he even seemed to enjoy my company but his smiles were pale ghosts, wraith-like expressions that flittered only briefly before vanishing as though they had never existed.
I was conscious of the difficulties that faced him. Either Tom would not be revived and Chakotay would have to rejoin our journey home bereft and grieving, or Tom would be cured and I just knew Chakotay's life would still change dramatically for the worse.
I could not see Chakotay and Tom remaining together. I had never understood their attraction for each other in the first place. I remembered the atmosphere between them directly before Tom's accident and shuddered at the thought of them trying to stay in a relationship if Tom survived.
A healthy Tom would surely revert to the cocky flyboy he had been before, perhaps even worse with so much time to make up for. I knew Chakotay would not cope with the rebirth of the irrepressible pilot's true personality. I had grown to understand that Chakotay had a need to nurture and protect and I doubted a healthy Tom Paris would be willing to fulfil that need for him.
So I spent those four weeks trying to wean Chakotay off Tom. Daily dragging him away for longer and longer periods. Desperately trying to sever the unhealthy umbilical cord that seemed to tie the two men together.
One day I pointed out to him that while he was obviously serious about Tom, it was unlikely that Tom would feel the same way once he was better. He was furious with me at first:
"Tom and I will be married in six weeks. That’s hardly the action of people who don’t love each other!"
"Do you really think that you will still get married?" I asked in surprise
"Why not?" Chakotay asked in confusion, "of course we will, only now Tom will be able to dance at the reception." And he gave a dreamy smile at the thought that made my blood boil.
"I hate to say this Chakotay, but everything has changed. Tom has never had a proper relationship with anyone. To be honest he has slept with more people on the ship than I can count. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not criticizing him, just stating a fact. Tom never indicated any desire to be monogamous before he was paralyzed."
"Are you saying you think he only agreed to marry me because he had no other offers?" Chakotay snarled, hurt and outrage warring on his face
"Honestly? I’m sorry, Chakotay, but yes! He needed you, but he isn’t going to need you anymore when he’s cured."
"You’re wrong, Captain." He snapped, the hurt and distress evident in his face. I knew that I had struck a raw nerve. He strode away back to the hospital so quickly that I didn’t have a chance of following.
I felt guilty at hurting him but I knew that it was better for him to face up to the truth.
We walked together every day afterwards, always discussing the same topic. Every scene he quoted to prove Tom’s love for him was met by my reasonable explanations that Tom had only reacted in each instance because of his fear and helplessness.
Chakotay’s arguments grew less confident, more pensive. He started to doubt every memory. I could see the uncertainty playing in his mind, gnawing at him endlessly.
He began to protest less at leaving the hospital with me and began to help me sometimes with the negotiations for supplies that I was conducting with the V'rakn'hal government. He began to make plans for Voyager’s return home. He stopped mentioning the wedding.
In this way he spent the last weeks of Tom’s hospitalization being prepared by me to say goodbye to Tom, one way or another. I was pleased and relieved that my words had caused him to re-evaluate his relationship with Tom. I was sure that I was doing the right thing to help ease his hurt, whatever the outcome of Tom’s treatment.
In retrospect, I wonder whether my motives were truly as pure as I thought at the time.
Again, I meddled where I had no right.
Who knows what might have happened if I had left them alone to resolve their own relationship?
Would the tragedy have been averted or had the seeds of their destruction already been planted, my words only helping them germinate to an unavoidable conclusion?
TOM
I woke slowly from a hazy, horrific nightmare and stretched luxuriously to ease the knots in my shoulders and the aching stiffness of my knees.
Yawning widely, I was surprised by how much I had to struggle to open my eyes. They seemed to be crusted firmly together and I rubbed them with my oddly greasy fingers as I was assailed by flashbacks of my weird dream.
I had dreamt that I had been crushed in a shuttle, my body shattered and left paralyzed. Jeez, I had even been going to marry Chakotay! How crazy was that? (Given that he hated me now!) It felt so real, even now, that I could actually feel intense exhaustion in my body rather than the sensation of rest that sleep should have given me.
Finally my eyelashes agreed to part and I opened my eyes right into Chakotay's. He was bending over me with the strangest smile on his perfect face.
Shit! I must have overslept. Why else would he be in my quarters?
Then I blinked as my eyes took in the room behind Chakotay and I realised that I wasn't in my quarters at all.
I was in a huge sterile white room, lying on a soft trolley-bed and completely surrounded by the smiling faces of at least a dozen purple-skinned aliens, all dressed in flowing multi-colored gowns.
My fingers were still hovering above my eye sockets and I could see a film of slime all over them. Raising my head I saw that my whole naked body was covered in transparent green slime.
SHIT! I was lying completely naked in front of a room of grinning strangers and my Commanding Officer, covered in lime Jell-O!
It was my worst nightmare come to life.
Therefore I was still asleep.
Only I wasn’t.
That's when I realised that none of it had been a dream at all.
I groaned as memory flooded me. I had been paralyzed for over a year. I was on a planet called V'rakn and I had been immersed in a tank in an effort to heal me.
And that was when it actually finally hit me, over five minutes after I had unthinkingly rubbed my eyes with my own fingers.
I WAS CURED!
"Chak!" I gasped, my throat tight and voice hoarse with disuse "I can move…I can fucking move!"
"I know, Babe." He answered softly, "You survived the treatment without complications. The V'rakn'hal say that you will make a complete recovery."
"Fucking fantastic!" I cried as I tentatively moved my legs and then my toes. My limbs were stiff and sore, but they moved.
"How do you feel, Tom?" Chakotay asked gently
"Well, I don’t want to sound ungrateful but there’s a slight problem, Chak." I whispered
"What’s wrong, Babe?" He replied with such fear and concern that I was a little ashamed of myself, but still, I had my pride to consider.
"I’ve got no fucking clothes on!" I muttered furiously
I honestly think that he had been too caught up in the excitement of the moment to notice. He certainly blushed a dark shade of red at my words and grabbed a sheet to cover me.
Indignantly I saw a couple of the V'rakn'hal hide expressions that were suspiciously like sniggers as Chakotay hurried to restore my modesty. Then my sense of humor returned. How the hell could I be anything but ecstatic on a day like today?
"I’m really cured?" I asked Chakotay hesitantly, unable to truly believe it.
"Yes, babe. You’ll be walking and flying again in no time." He assured me softly, but there was definitely something wrong with the way that he was talking to me. Something in the way his eyes kept darting away from my face, as though to hide a secret.
"Then what’s wrong, Chak?" I begged, suddenly terrified that there was a problem he was hiding from me.
"Nothing, Babe. Honestly. You are going to be fine."
"When am I going to be able to get out of here?" I asked eagerly
"About two more weeks. They say it will take you that long to regain your motor skills. Then, as long as you take it easy, you’ll be able to walk back onto Voyager."
"Then I WILL be able to ‘walk up the aisle’ with you" I gushed happily.
Chakotay mumbled something that I couldn’t quite hear. That’s when the first tendrils of fear began to wrap themselves chokingly around my heart.
"What did you say, Chak?" I asked nervously
"I just asked whether you were sure that you still wanted to marry me." Chakotay mumbled, his head turned away in embarrassment.
I went cold. For a moment I forgot how to breathe. As calmly as I could manage I stuttered
"W-W-Why d-do you a-ask?"
"You were under a lot of pressure, Tom. You needed me at the time. Needed a commitment from me. But that’s changed now. I will understand if you want to break the engagement."
As clear as day, like being hit broadside by a shuttle, I realised that I had been right. Chakotay had never wanted me to be cured. He had never really wanted me at all. He had looked after me because of pity and his proposal had stemmed only from a warped sense of honor and now he wanted to be released from his promise.
I understood.
I wasn’t even angry with him. He had done his best for me. He had made my life bearable with his lies. I had always known deep inside that the price of my cure would be the unvarnished truth. The terrible truth that he didn’t love me.
Someone once told me that you couldn’t truly hate someone unless you loved them. That was nonsense. I loved Chakotay with every atom of my body yet I was incapable of hating him, even as he ripped my life apart yet again.
I loved him enough to let him go gently, to ease his guilt.
"Yeah, Chak. You’re right. Everything’s different now." I said and my heart didn’t explode, it simply faded away into nothing and all that was left was a dried-out husk that used to be Tom Paris.
CHAKOTAY
I spent most of the next two weeks in my quarters, crying. I tried to meditate but the pain in my chest was so overwhelming that it dominated my thoughts and denied me any chance of peace.
Kathryn had been right.
Tom didn’t love me.
I couldn’t bear to be anywhere near him. I knew that the rest of the crew was visiting him as he convalesced. There was no reason for me to be there. He didn’t need me anymore.
I didn’t hate him for his choice. I had forced him into a position where he had been dependant on me for his very life. Of course he had thought he was in love with me. He hadn’t meant to mislead me.
But, like Tom said, everything was different now.
KATHRYN
I gave the orders to prepare for take-off and was pleased to see the immediate eager efficiency of the crew as they took their stations and started the safety checks.
The six weeks on the soil of V'rakn'hal had finally palled for them and they were ready to set off again on our journey home.
The senior officers all took their places on the bridge, except for Chakotay – and Tom, of course. Chakotay’s absence was a worry. I had expected that he would have pulled himself together by now.
Hopefully, once we were on our way, when V'rakn became just a dot in the distance, he would begin to rebuild his life and I would be here to help him.
I was about to give the final countdown to lift-off when Chakotay burst onto the bridge, half-dressed and wild eyed.
"WHERE’S TOM?" He screamed at me and the rest of the Senior Officers almost fell over at their posts in shock. I was furious that he would make such a public display of himself.
"In my ready room, Commander. NOW"
The bridge was deathly silent as I stalked off, followed by the enraged first officer. As soon as the doors closed behind us he erupted again.
"I’ve checked with the computer. Tom is not on board." Chakotay shouted, advancing towards me in a decidedly unfriendly way.
"I know." I replied calmly and my words stopped him in his tracks.
"What the hell do you mean, you "know"?"
"Tom has decided to stay on V’rakn. He never relished returning to the Alpha Quadrant. As you know, there’s no guarantee that he will have his sentence commuted. He feels that he has spent enough time imprisoned inside his own body without possibly ending up in a prison cell when we get home." I explained reasonably
"And you agreed to let him stay?" Chakotay asked incredulously
"It’s his choice, Chakotay. Besides it is better for all of us, this way."
"How exactly is it BETTER?" Chakotay queried, his voice now soft but dangerous.
"You know how vulnerable Voyager would be with only half-power. The V'rakn'hal have agreed to accept a part-payment in exchange for Tom’s piloting skills. They have offered him a position as a tutor in their fleet and have agreed that he will be such a valuable addition to their staff that they have waived the rest of the fee."
"You mean you’ve sold him to them, like chattel?" Chakotay howled at me and I felt a headache coming on.
"Don’t be dramatic, Chakotay. Tom loves to fly. You know that. He will enjoy his new position and he is grateful enough to the V'rakn'hal to want to stay with them."
"Bullshit! If that’s true, why the secrecy? Why didn’t he tell anyone of his decision to leave?"
"He asked me to let everyone know once we had left. He didn’t want to have to say good bye. He’s still not strong enough emotionally to deal with that kind of scene."
"I remember you once refused to accept one of Tom’s decisions because he was not emotionally capable of choosing what was right for him. You overruled him THAT time, Kathryn." Chakotay challenged
I lost my temper then.
"Yes, I over-ruled his choice and look what happened? I let you throw your life away on him, Chakotay. You have spent the last year as his personal nurse and virtual slave. You were going to marry him, dammit. Don’t you realise that staying with him would have destroyed you?"
"Is that what this is really about, Captain? Me?"
"YES"
"Why?"
I forgot Tuvok, forgot my position as Captain, forgot everything and finally told him the truth
"Because I love you, Chakotay and I can’t stand by and watch Tom ruin your life."
CHAKOTAY
Kathryn’s words were like a slap in the face, the slap I needed to come to my senses.
Suddenly I realised that all of my doubts about Tom had come from her lips.
There was no reason in hell why Tom would choose to stay with the V'rakn'hal unless it was to avoid me, and there was no reason he would feel the need to avoid me unless he truly did love me.
Tom hadn’t refused to marry me. He had just given me the escape that he thought I wanted.
I looked at the diminutive form of Captain Kathryn Janeway. Her whole body was quivering with barely concealed fear. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. Her right hand trembled as it reached out as though to touch me.
I saw her, finally, for what she was. I realised what she had done and why.
"Permission to speak freely, Captain." I asked softly
KATHRYN
I saw Chakotay’s eyes fill with understanding at my words. His huge bronze frame became still and his face filled with a kind of peace.
When he said "Permission to speak freely, Captain" so softly, I tensed with excitement and nodded my agreement.
"YOU’RE A SCHEMING MANIPULATIVE BITCH!" he yelled.
I reeled with shock at his words. I had never heard such fury and hatred in his voice before.
CHAKOTAY
I saw Kathryn’s face go white with horror at my words and I rejoiced in her pain. She deserved every word I was about to speak.
"I am going to the surface and I am going to fetch Tom home. If you want to keep this conversation between us, you will welcome us back aboard and announce to everyone how pleased you are at Tom’s recovery and return.
"Two weeks from today, you will marry us publicly, and you will smile and congratulate us and you will never, ever do or say anything to undermine our relationship again.
"If you do not agree to this, I will announce to the whole crew that you were prepared to abandon Tom on an alien planet just because you saw him as a rival for my affection.
"I am sure that they would all be very unhappy with you, especially your HUSBAND!" I spat venomously
And I didn’t even wait for her reply; I simply turned on my heel and rushed to the nearest transporter room.
It occurred to me that she might simply leave me behind as well as Tom. But to be honest, at that moment, I didn’t give a damn.
TUVOK
Naturally I was interested to see Chakotay leave the Captain’s ready room in an obvious state of emotional distress and then concerned when my security console indicated that he had transported off the ship.
Therefore, when the Captain emerged and stated that Voyager should lift off immediately, I had no choice but to challenge her orders.
Had I still been acting only in my position as Chief of Security, I would simply have advised her that Commander Chakotay was not on board and might have accepted her explanation without question.
But as her husband, with the benefit of my tenuous mind-link, I was aware that Kathryn was in a highly emotional state and I doubted that her order to leave was entirely based on logic.
I had been aware of Kathryn’s somewhat disturbed mental state for some weeks but since she had avoided all physical contact with me, I did not have sufficient facts to deduce the reason why.
It was evident to me that Chakotay and the Captain had disagreed about something, and given the Commander’s subsequent actions, it was logical to assume that the disagreement was due to Tom’s decision to stay behind.
Kathryn had advised me privately of Tom’s choice that morning. I had been somewhat mystified by his decision. I could only see one logical reason for him refusing to accompany us and that was if he was emotionally too damaged by his recent parting with Chakotay to be able to cope with resuming our journey to the Alpha Quadrant.
Because of my mind meld with him after the accident, I had no doubt at all of the intensity of Tom’s love for Chakotay. Although I did not suffer from the emotional excesses of humans I was able to accurately interpret them. The Commander’s self-imposed exile in his quarters for the last two weeks left me with the conclusion that his love for Tom was equally real.
It was therefore completely illogical that they had decided to separate. There was obviously a factor in the equation that I was unaware of.
As Kathryn gave the order to leave V’rakn, the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fitted together perfectly and I knew that, in some as yet unclear way, my wife held the clue to the mystery.
"I would like to speak with you privately before we leave V’rakn, Captain." I said firmly and was interested to note a flicker of fear in Kathryn’s eyes before her face set in her familiar firm haughty mask of command.
"We can speak after the liftoff, Mr. Tuvok" she snapped angrily "We have wasted enough time here already!"
"I’m sorry, Captain, but the matter I wish to discuss with you cannot wait. We can discuss it here on the Bridge if you would prefer." I warned emotionlessly and saw it again, that darting of her eyes like a trapped animal.
My suspicions solidified and I struggled briefly against a surprising stab of anger before my iron self-control slammed a door on the unwelcome emotion.
It is possible that Kathryn saw my momentary loss of composure because she sagged slightly in her chair and a look of guilty resignation flashed briefly across her proud face.
"Very well. All hands stand down take-off. Mr. Kim you have the bridge" She sighed and then silently led me back to her ready room.
The doors closed behind us, but she did not turn to look at me. Her back was rigid, her shoulders stiff, her whole frame trembling slightly as though expecting a blow.
I stated the obvious "The Commander is still on the surface."
"I know." Was her tense reply
"Then why are you preparing to leave him behind?"
"How do you know he isn’t planning on transporting up to us once we are in orbit?" She challenged, still refusing to face me
"Is he?"
"No, Chakotay will not be returning to Voyager." She admitted.
"I would like to know why you are prepared to leave two members of your crew on an alien planet in the Delta Quadrant"
"It’s their choice. That’s the end of the matter."
I knew that she would not voluntarily tell me anymore. It is anathema to a Vulcan to invade an unwilling mind, but this was my wife and that gave me certain liberties so I stepped forward and touched her shoulder lightly.
Her thoughts, her memories, and her guilt assailed me. I recoiled; releasing her as though burnt by the flood of emotion that engulfed me.
Aware of my horror, she spun around desperately to touch me but I stepped back swiftly out of reach. It was intolerable that I should be subjected again to such naked, ugly emotion.
"Your behavior in this matter has been reprehensible, Kathryn" I said, "Your intention to abandon the Commander and flee the scene of your crime surprises me even more than the act itself."
"Crime?" Kathryn screeched in outrage "You don’t understand Tuvok. Chakotay is being a fool. Tom will destroy him. I had to stop them from getting back together."
"You tried, you failed. Why are you leaving them behind?"
"I can’t face him." She sobbed, "I can’t face them being together! If Chakotay is stupid enough, if they want each other so damned much, they can have each other, but I won’t have them parading themselves in front of me! I can’t just stand by and watch Tom destroy him"
"What gives you the right to interfere? What omniscient powers have you gained that give you such a clear picture of Tom’s motivations in this relationship? You know NOTHING."
"I KNOW Tom doesn’t love Chakotay." Kathryn screamed
"Peculiar, I KNOW that he does" I replied and reaching forwards I grasped her wrist and held her tightly as I sent her my intimate knowledge of the truth of Tom Paris’s heart.
Perhaps I should not have done it. Tom’s thoughts had been given to me in trust. By sharing them I was breaking a sacred oath. But the most important thing at that moment was for Kathryn to realise the enormity of her crime against him.
She staggered as the images hit her, as the reality of Tom’s feelings for Chakotay were stamped irrefutably into her consciousness.
As I released her she staggered back and collapsed heavily into a chair.
"Oh my God, Tuvok. I was so wrong…so very wrong. " She gasped, her eyes wide with horror.
"Yes, Kathryn. You were." I said coldly
"What have I done?" She cried piteously "What can I do to put things right?"
"I suggest you do nothing. Your interference has already caused them enough pain. Do not compound your mistake. Let them resolve their problems alone if it is not too late. Do not ask or expect Chakotay’s forgiveness. He is unlikely to be able to give it."
"What about you, Tuvok? You must know I meant well. You know that I only wanted to help Chakotay. Can YOU forgive me?" she begged me desperately, tears pouring down her pale cheeks.
"My forgiveness is irrelevant, Kathryn. You have not harmed ME in this matter."
"Then you are not angry with me?" she pleaded hopefully
"I am a Vulcan. I do not feel anger. I am not jealous of your feelings for the Commander and since he has not reciprocated your emotion there is no reason for me to challenge him in this matter."
"Then you won’t leave me?" She gasped with relief.
"You misunderstand me Kathryn. The vows you made to me were obviously false. You were not truthful when you said that your feelings for Chakotay were platonic. It is not possible for me to continue our relationship. When The Commander and, hopefully, Tom have returned and Voyager is under way, I will move my belongings out of our quarters, Kathryn. Our marriage is over."
CHAKOTAY
I cursed Kathryn to the seven hells as I fought desperately through the almost impenetrable walls of the V’rakn’hal bureaucracy.
It took several hours to even find out where Tom was staying and then I was still prevented from entering the building by some smug son-of-a–bitch officials. By which time I was ready to rip the uncooperative purple-faced aliens apart.
Fully satisfied by the ‘deal’ they had made the previously helpful V ‘rakn’ hal obviously had no intention of letting me blithely walk off with their new acquisition.
Well, tough. Their ‘acquisition’ was my fiancé and I was not leaving without him.
I planted myself firmly in the doorway of Tom’s new ‘home’ until one of the V’rakn’hal finally agreed to tell Tom that I was here. He returned with indecent haste and informed me gleefully that Tom had refused to see me.
The little bastard smirked at me until I picked him up by the throat and shook him into submission.
"I am not leaving unless I see him, and if I have to take apart every room, and every PERSON in this building to find him, I will. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!"
The small alien quaked in terror.
"I will take you to him, but then you will know he does not want to leave and you must go away."
"Okay." I replied calmly and set him down. There was nothing to be gained at this point by my admitting that Tom was going to come back with me to Voyager even if I had to carry him kicking and screaming all the way.
TOM
The V’rakn’hal had lied. The thought popped into my head but it was nebulous and I wondered vaguely what it was they had lied about. It was so much effort to catch my stray thoughts that I preferred to let them waft around my head.
I rocked slowly on my seat, my fingers playing endlessly with a small heavy object. What was it? I wondered vacantly. Oh yes. I looked down at the gold shape in my hands and a wave of misery began to cloud my head so I shut my eyes and wished it away and it was gone.
Still my fingers fiddled with the ring. Ring? Oh God! No! I didn’t want to think about that. Didn’t want to remember about - about what? I stopped in confusion as the tail end of the thought span away into the distance.
Lied? What was the lie? Don’t know. Don’t remember. Don’t want to remember. I wanted to – what did I want? Just rock, that’s it, that’s nice…that’s good…just let those thoughts go away, like everything goes away, like Chak…No, no, rock, that’s it, that’s better…
I let the fog swirl around my head. It felt so nice just to drift. Not to think. Think. Think about what? The lie. I suddenly remembered the lie. They said that if my mind did not survive the cure I would not have to live with a healthy body and a dead brain.
But I was dead. My body could move but I was gone. Whatever had existed before was no longer alive, didn’t want to be alive. I was just an empty shell with no hope, no feelings, no anything. I walked and talked and breathed but that was all.
Desperately I pushed the thought away, felt the fog blurring its edges and dissolving it until I was disconnected again. Just rock. Rock. That’s it. That’s nice. That’s better.
A face appeared in front of me. Purple face. Who? Don’t know. Don’t care. The face spoke.
"Chakotay is here to see you."
"Who?" I asked vaguely, my cotton-wool brain struggling with the name. A picture flashed in my brain but the resultant hurt was so intense that I clamped down on the memory and it faded back into the distance and I floated again in my serene state of hazy contentment.
"Shall I tell him to go away?" the voice persisted
"Who? What? Oh…yes…go away" Go away, who was going away? Away. Voyager was going away. PAIN. No, go away. Just rock, rock, and rock…
CHAKOTAY
I followed the V’rakn’hal’s slow meandering footsteps, struggling with the urge to shove him bodily forwards. When the reluctant official reached what was obviously Tom’s room, my patience finally snapped and I pushed him out of my way and burst through the door.
Tom was sitting on the far side of the room; his body swathed in a loose white gown. His hair was uncombed. He looked all of 12 years old.
"Tom" I cried as I rushed forwards but he did not react at all. He was swaying slowly in his chair, his blue eyes unfocused, and his mouth moving with some silent internal dialogue.
Furiously I turned on the alien.
"What have you done to him? What drug have you given him?"
"Drug? Drug?" The V’rakn’hal stammered fearfully "No drug. I swear. He has been like this for hours. Since your Captain left him this morning. We have done nothing. It is shock, perhaps."
I turned back to Tom in confusion. Still he rocked quietly, his face serene, his fingers playing endlessly with some small gold object. Spirits, I thought, Tom’s mind had finally snapped. It had all been too much for him to deal with. I had left him and he had literally gone mad.
I dropped to my knees in front of him and grabbed his restless hands in mine, registering the icy coldness of his skin.
"He’s freezing, fetch a blanket" I shouted at the V’rakn’hal and turned back to Tom without waiting to find out whether the alien would comply.
"Tom, Tom, it’s me, it’s Chakotay. I’m here. I’ve come to take you home."
Still Tom’s blue eyes stared into some unfathomable distance, and his face failed to register my words. The V’rakn’hal hurried over and draped a blanket around Tom’s thin shoulders and then backed off nervously.
"TOM" I screamed in panic, and I saw a tiny flicker in one of his eyes before he started to rock again.
Insane with terror, I slapped Tom so hard across his face that my hand left a deep impression in his skin. His eyes blinked and widened as he focused on me for a second, then terror flooded his face and he began to struggle wildly.
"Nonononononononononononononononono" he moaned
"Tom, I’m so sorry Tom, I love you. I’ve come to take you home" I repeated desperately
"NO" he howled and yanking his hands out of my loose grip he shot to his feet and tried to run from me. Blinded by panic he crashed into the wall and slid down into a heap on the floor. He made no effort to get up again; he just curled into a ball of misery and sobbed.
Almost blinded by my own tears I rushed to his side and pulled his unresisting body into my arms.
"Go ‘way, go ‘way" He sobbed even as he tucked his face into my neck and clung on to me desperately.
"Tom, I love you. I’m sorry. Come home with me." I begged
"You left me" he whispered and although his words ripped at my heart I was elated at his ability to say them. I wasn’t too late. I had arrived in time. Tom was still capable of rational thought.
"I know Tom. It was my fault, I misunderstood. I thought you didn’t need me anymore. I thought now you were cured you wouldn’t want to be with me."
"You left me." He repeated brokenly.
"But I came back."
Tom struggled in my arms until he could pull back and look into my face. His eyes were dark with misery but at least he was actually looking at me, really seeing me. His face was defenseless; all his protective masks had been stripped away. I saw hurt and anger chasing confusion and misery across his pallid features. For a long time his mouth struggled with the effort to form a coherent sentence. When he finally spoke his bitter words broke my heart
"How long for, this time, Chakotay?"
I dropped my head in shame. He was right. How many promises had I broken already? What could I possibly say to make him believe me now?
"I’m a fool, Tom and I don’t deserve you. I have thrown away our happiness so many times that I know you have every right to reject me. There is nothing I can do if you don’t love me anymore. But I know it’s not true. I saw how you were when I came in here. I KNOW that you still love me and although I don’t understand why, I’m not throwing it away again!"
I stared deeply into his eyes, trying to force him to believe my words. In response he simply looked away.
"Come back to Voyager with me, Tom. Come home and marry me." I pleaded, new tears pouring down my face.
"No" he whispered "Go away, Chakotay. Please, just go away."
I jerked as though slapped by his words. I couldn’t believe he had said no. I had seen the state he was in because I had left. I couldn’t believe he would let me go again. Furiously I shook him by the shoulders, so hard that his teeth rattled.
"I’m not leaving you, Tom. You’re coming back with me." I shouted and he flinched at my anger.
"No." he mumbled "I don’t love you."
"I don’t believe you." I snapped and grabbing the back of his head I pulled his face towards me and dove for his mouth. My tongue met scant resistance as it plunged in and pillaged. With my other hand I pulled Tom into my embrace, crushing him against my body. As he moaned into my kiss, I felt his obvious erection pressing into my thigh. He struggled futilely against his own body’s betrayal but I would not release my grip and I felt his tongue thrust past mine and his sweet taste filled my mouth.
How the hell had I thought I could live without this? I asked myself as I caressed the tense muscles of his back.
Finally, gasping for breath I pulled back and stared into Tom’s face, which was red with a combination of desire and fury.
"Come home, Tom" I whispered gently
For a moment longing hovered nakedly on his face, then fear and hurt returned "No" he spat.
That was it. I’d had enough. I wasn’t angry with Tom. He had every reason to say no. Despite his undeniable love for me, in spite of his body’s desire for me, he had lost the ability to trust me. He was too raw, too damaged. If I spent the rest of my life pleading and begging with him on this floor he would not agree to return with me.
Decision made, I stood up. Tom’s naked face flashed with relief, pain and disappointment.
"So you won’t agree to come back to Voyager?" I asked, to clarify the situation.
"No" Tom mumbled
"And you want to stay here, alone."
"Yes" he whispered, even more quietly
"And there’s nothing I can say that will make you come back with me?"
This time I could barely hear Tom’s "No"
"Then you leave me no choice." I snapped
I hauled Tom to his feet in a sudden movement that caught him so much by surprise that it took little extra effort to grab him round the waist and throw him over my shoulder. He began to struggle and kick so I gave him a firm slap on the backside. The shock made him forget to struggle long enough for me to tell the amazed V’rakn’hal that I would arrange for compensation, then I opened my com badge and requested Voyager to beam us up.
I was a little surprised to hear Tuvok’s voice respond to my hail, and even more amazed when we materialized straight into my quarters although, given Tom’s undignified position slung over my shoulder, it was probably just as well.
I staggered into the bedroom, realising that Tom was definitely putting on some much needed weight, and dumped him unceremoniously onto my newly restored double-bed.
Tom hit the covers and came up spluttering indignation
"You have no right…" he began to scream
"I have every right, Tom. I love you." I replied firmly and pushed him back onto the bed, my weight pinning him down quite effectively.
For a couple more moments he struggled and then collapsed back in submission. I lay on top of him, heaving for breath. His dull eyes looked at me for a long time, weighing the situation, evaluating my actions and then something sparkled in the blue depths.
"Chakotay the Caveman" he muttered and a reluctant smile cracked his face.