ANGEL
By Morticia
Part 31 - 33
Disclaimers see Part 1
CHAKOTAY
I had spent far too long deluding myself about Tom and what he meant to me. I realised that it was time for me to face my feelings and deal with the consequences of my previous actions. I was under no illusion that I could just wave a magic wand and make things instantly right again between us.
I had been stunned by the state Tom had been in when I found him. I had never seen anyone look so lost and abandoned despite my experiences in the wake of the Cardassian occupation. The nearest comparison my memory could make of the expression on his face had been that of an orphaned child I had once dug out from under the scattered bodies of her family. The dull stare of that little girl had been chillingly like Tom’s eyes now.
I didn’t let his caveman comment and reluctant smile fool me. It had always been Tom’s nature to crack a joke when other people would stay silent. It was his escape valve for unbearable pressure. It would take more than words to convince him that I meant what I said.
I was positive I had done the right thing in kidnapping him in such a fashion. The very rashness of the act and my total disregard for his refusal had surely been more convincing than any argument. The Chakotay of yesterday would have walked away now; left him to get some rest and think things through, but the man I had become today knew that leaving Tom alone would be the worst thing that I could possibly do.
The old Chakotay would have seen my next act as a virtual rape, given Tom’s obvious refusal. I had never had anything but contempt for anyone who didn’t understand that "NO" meant "NO" without any exception. But at this moment, I knew that the only way to reaffirm my love for Tom was to show that I found him completely irresistible.
So I pressed down on him, rubbing my body against the lean length of his trembling form, forcing my mouth back onto his to silence his protest. He struggled furiously under me, pushing at my shoulders against the weight that pinned him so effectively.
I gently grabbed his wrists and pushed them down behind his head. Using my left hand to trap them there, still using my tongue to silence his complaints, I used my other hand to slowly pull up Tom’s robe until my hand reached the soft down of his pubic hair and then I fondled and stroked his balls lovingly. Tom’s cock instantly reared to attention and pressed into my stomach, but I ignored it for the moment and continued to caress between his thighs, remembering how sensitive he was there.
I played with his beautifully responsive body until I could feel him jerking under me with his involuntary arousal and then I pulled out of the kiss and looked down at his flushed face.
"Get off me, you bastard," he hissed, his eyes wide with panic at his body’s own betrayal. "Let me go!"
I leant down and kissed his nose, gently scraping a nail up the root of his cock. Tom’s whole body arched under me and he gasped with reaction and then furiously bit me on the chin hard enough to draw blood.
For a moment the pain made me rear my head back in angry shock. Then I saw that Tom’s eyes were huge with fear. He licked nervously at the stain on his lips. So I merely shook my head sadly at him as I told him softly, "That hurt, Tom."
"Tough shit," he spat defiantly.
He struggled ineffectually to escape. His chest was now heaving in panic, as he understood how vulnerable he was to whatever punishment I would give him for the bite.
So I punished him thoroughly. Ducking my head below his dangerous mouth I nuzzled at his neck, sucking and licking into the skin under his chin. Nipping softly at his collarbones until he was shuddering with pleasure.
"D-Don’t Chak," he gasped between his moans. " I t-told you. I d-don’t l-love you."
Ignoring him, I ran a tongue lazily around his nipples and was pleased to see the pink nubs sprang to vibrant attention. As my right hand fondled his straining groin, I was aware that my right arm was now at full stretch to keep his wrists above his head and I was vulnerable to his teeth. I doubted that he still wanted to bite me, but decided not to take the chance. So I let go of his wrists and quickly slid myself further down his body before he even realised I had let him go.
Pushing his legs apart until there was room, I knelt between his knees so that my head was level with his erect cock and without hesitation I swallowed it whole.
Tom went rigid. So did I. I half-expected his released fists to strike my head and I didn’t want to take the risk of inadvertently biting him if he hit me too hard. Then his body arched again, sending him deeper into my throat so I relaxed and began to slide gently up and down the thick shaft, tasting the saltiness of his skin.
"Ohhhhhhh," Tom groaned insensibly, as I pulled back and flicked my tongue over the head of his cock, teasing it deep into the weeping slit.
"Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop," I lied, and ran my tongue over the slit again for emphasis. Tom shuddered and raised his legs until his feet were by my shoulders and he pushed his hips up off the bed. I took the opportunity to slide my hands under his firm buttocks and began to knead them gently as I began to siphon at his cock.
Extremely carefully, my right index finger crept into the crack between his butt-cheeks, delving into the tight puckered skin of his ass. Gently, I pushed my finger against the tight resistant muscles but could get no further against his clenched ass without risking damage.
Tom was so near climax by then that he screamed in outrage as I released his cock and dove further under his balls, pushing his buttocks up until I found the reluctant hole and I pushed my tongue forcefully where my finger had been refused entry. Tom spasmed against the sensation, his body now arched between his shoulders and feet.
I was suddenly aware of the unnatural curve of his spine. His position was probably too much pressure for his newly healed body.
I pulled back to look at Tom’s face. All doubt and denial had been wiped out by desperate desire. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes glittering, his breath coming in tortured gasps.
"Turn over," I suggested softly. It took a second for my words to register then, as sanity returned to him, I saw a flicker of uncertainty.
"Let me love you, Tom," I whispered. "Let me fuck you properly."
Like it was a secret code, the word ‘fuck’ ignited Tom like torch-paper and he scrambled around onto his hands and knees so enthusiastically that he kicked me in the thigh. Another couple of inches and I would have been incapable of fucking anybody.
My pain was forgotten as I saw his trembling butt thrust into my face. Like a starving man at a feast I nosed back to his entrance and grasping his hips firmly I began to fuck him furiously with my tongue. Tom was shivering and bucking under me, his breath coming in loud panting sobs. My hands slid wildly on his slick, perspiration covered skin.
I was so hard by then that it was painful. I cursed my lack of foresight as I realised that the lube was in the bathroom cabinet. I scooted off the bed and leapt for the bathroom and swiping the tube, I ripped it open and was already applying a huge handful onto my straining cock before I was back on the bed.
Tom hadn’t moved, He was still on his hands and knees, his head hanging dejectedly between his arms, his whole body trembling, his breath coming in huge sobs. I realised that I hadn’t even told him where I was going or why.
"Are you okay, babe?" I asked guiltily
"Just fucking do it, will you?" He snarled back "Stop pissing about, Chak."
I grinned at his anger. This was the Tom I knew, the Tom I loved. If I refused to go through with it now, he would probably rip me apart. Need simply radiated off him in waves.
I positioned my eager cock and then began to slide slowly into his hot tight depths. I had always enjoyed this act with Tom, but when he was disabled his muscles had been lax and unresponsive. The act had been wonderful and loving but this new sensation of tight resistance on my cock was unbelievable.
"Oh Spirits, Tom, you feel so good" I gasped as I filled him.
His only response was a surprised gasp and a definitely uncomfortable moan as I stretched him apart.
"You okay, babe?" I asked again
"Yeah, sure, except someone has just parked a shuttle in my ass." Tom gasped "You been taking some kind of growth hormone or something?"
His tone was light but I was concerned at his obvious pain. I had forgotten that to all intents and purposes, Tom was a virgin again. I should have taken the time to stretch him properly.
Nobly, considering my overwhelming urge to pound into him, I said
"Do you want me to stop, Tom?"
"NO I FUCKING DON’T, YOU BASTARD!" Tom screamed in outrage "If you don’t fuck me now, I swear I’ll ……"
I didn’t wait to find out. Carefully I began to slide up and down his tight passage, feeling his muscles contracting against my slick cock. Tom’s arms gave way at the sensation and his head crashed down to the bed. The consequent new angle of his butt let me slide even deeper and my strokes became faster and harder.
"Oh yeah, yeah, oh wow, ohhhhh" Tom gasped into the bedcover.
I reached under his hips and found his hungry cock. I began to pump it furiously in time to my strokes and with a scream Tom erupted a huge fountain of cum.
I felt Tom’s internal muscles rippling against my own cock and then his buttocks clenched and my own orgasm was inevitable. I filled him with my seed, pumping furiously. I couldn’t believe that my own ball-sac could hold so much. By the time I collapsed against him I felt as though half my body had been pumped into Tom’s ass.
Exhausted I collapsed sideways onto the bed, pulling Tom into my embrace and we lay there, gasping together, as my softened member began to shrink and slide out of him.
Tom moaned as I left his body, so I pulled him tighter into my arms, feeling his back relax into my chest. I was oddly pleased at the sticky sensation as my copious amounts of semen tricked back out of his ass onto my groin as though trying to find their way home. I chewed lovingly at the sweaty tendrils at his neck, pleased that he had not trimmed his hair since his recovery. Dark and wet with sweat, it curled down past his shoulders now.
"I love you, Tom" I whispered and felt him stiffen at my words.
Concerned I rolled him over until he faced me. His eyes were no longer dull; they were satiated and almost serene. But not happy.
"I DO love you, Tom Paris!" I stated firmly
Tom met my eyes sadly, his face full of hurt and resignation
"I know, Chakotay. But…"
"But what?"
"But it’s just for now, isn’t it?" he said softly, his voice devoid of any bitterness. "Until the next time you leave me."
It was the resignation in his voice that hurt the most. He honestly believed it was true. He truly expected this to be another temporary truce before I walked out on him again.
"When you left me in the hospital, I wanted to die. Really die. I couldn’t bear to see you again, knowing you didn’t want me. That’s why I asked the Captain to leave me behind."
"She had no right to leave you there" I snarled
"No, Chakotay, you’re wrong. It’s what I wanted. It was my only chance of surviving."
"You weren’t surviving too well from what I saw" I snapped and Tom flushed with embarrassment
"I would have coped. I would have gotten over you eventually. There was no MORE pain to deal with. It would have been better than being here with you and always waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"I’ve changed, Tom" I swore fervently
"People never change. They sometimes want to. They try to. But people never really change. When things have gone wrong between us you’ve always walked away. Things will go wrong again. They always do, no matter how hard I try things always get fucked up. Then you’ll leave me again."
I knew that there was no point in denying it. Tom wouldn’t believe me. We would just have to take the relationship day by day and eventually, when enough time had passed, when I had stuck with him through enough ‘bad times’ he would begin to trust me again.
"What do you want to do then, Tom? Do you want your own quarters again?"
Tom looked at me fearfully, and I cursed myself for my unthinking words
"It’s your choice, Tom, but I very much would prefer you to stay here, in OUR quarters" I clarified
The worried look on Tom’s face faded
"I want to stay with you." He whispered and I could hear his unspoken "until you don’t want me anymore"
"Good, since we would be a strange married couple if we had two sets of quarters" I stated firmly
Tom looked startled for a moment and then he nodded "Oh yeah, the wedding" he mumbled in confusion
"It’s two weeks today, Tom. Then we’ll be together forever. I have many faults, Tom, but you know me well enough to know that once I have taken those vows with you, nothing other than death will let me leave you, even if I want to!"
"You really mean that, don’t you?" Tom asked in wonder, a faint glimmer of hope sparkling in the depths of his blue eyes.
"Marriage is sacred to me, Tom. Trust me on this, even if you can’t trust me on anything else. Once we are married it will be forever. There will be no way for either of us to walk away."
"You really WILL marry me?" Tom begged shamelessly, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks.
"Nothing can stop me, Tom. Two weeks from tonight you will be my husband and we will spend the rest of our lives together."
Tom snuggled into my chest, his body shaking with tears of relief.
"Then you WON’T ever leave me again!" he conceded and hugged me fiercely.
I wondered whether Tom would ever truly regain his confidence. His terrible experiences after the accident had striped him of all his defenses. How had I imagined he wouldn’t need me? His body might have been cured but the helplessness and insecurity of that long year of misery had left an indelible blow to his ego. He had learnt to depend on me utterly and it would be a long time before he would get over that dependency, if ever.
I had faced a few demons of my own recently. I had always maintained that I wanted a relationship of equals but recently I had come to understand that it wasn’t really true. There was a fierce need in me to be the dominant, caring, protector in a relationship. Quite simply I needed to be needed. Yet, even while I was pleased that Tom still wanted and needed me on those terms, I mourned for the irrepressible spirit that had attracted me to him in the first place.
"Chak?"
"Yes, Babe?"
"Do you remember when you proposed to me?"
"Of course I do. Why?"
"Do you remember that you said that when you were married you would expect to fuck me for at least two hours, twice a day?" Tom quoted
"Um, yes. Why?"
Tom’s face split in a huge grin
"Then I think we should practice some more!" He sniggered and rubbed against me suggestively. I felt his hard cock poke into my stomach and groaned.
"I’m too old for this!" I sighed, even as I felt a responding twitch in my own groin.
Deciding to wipe the smirk off his face in the most pleasurable way I began to ‘punish’ him some more.
Perhaps the irrepressible Tom is going to resurface after all, I thought, and the thought was a good one.
HARRY
"I really think that we should add more flavour, I don’t want everyone to think that I couldn’t be bothered to do my culinary best for Tom and Chakotay’s wedding." Neelix whined plaintively as I forcefully removed the chili powder from his hands yet again.
"I’ve told you, Neelix. This is Tom’s favourite recipe, he likes his pizza EXACTLY as the recipe states." I said firmly for the umpteenth time
"Well perhaps I could just ‘pep’ the salad up with a little powdered leola…" Neelix suggested slyly
"NO. Don’t you dare. Absolutely no leola ANYTHING." I snapped in exasperation. Given free rein Neelix would turn the whole thing into a disaster. The last thing I wanted was for tomorrow’s reception to turn into a farce.
"It’s just not fair, Harry, with the replicators off-line I am having to make do with what is in the stores and what little we have grown in the hydroponics bay. You’d think the V’rakn’hal would at least have supplied us with enough real food to replace the energy they took." Neelix huffed miserably
"It was worth the price." I snapped, just in case he had any doubts. Neelix blinked at me, obviously confused by my uncharacteristically sharp tone.
"OF COURSE IT WAS" he stated emphatically. "Nobody could be happier than me about Tom’s return to health. That’s why I want his wedding reception to be the best."
"It will be Neelix. Everyone donated enough rations before we went to V’rakn to make sure that we could make a cake and some fancy entrees. All you need to do is ‘bulk it out’."
"Perhaps just a pinch of leola in the cake then?"
"NO! I swear Neelix, if you don’t behave yourself I’ll call B’Elanna. She’s spent weeks planning this wedding and she’ll kill you if you make the guests ill."
"Well really, I don’t see why you have to be so rude about it Mr. Kim" Neelix huffed and I felt guilty at being so blunt. The little Talaxian had never grasped the concept of the comparative blandness of Alpha Quadrant appetites.
"I just meant that because we are without access to synthale, Jim Carey has re-installed his bootleg still and is brewing some kind of lethal potato-whisky for the toasts. I don’t think that it will mix very well with rich food, Neelix." I soothed.
"Oh, in that case, I suppose I’ll just have to make it the way you said - although I’m sure that just a LITTLE more flavour wouldn’t hurt…" the Talaxian grumbled but I was reasonably certain that he would behave himself with the rest of the food preparation.
It was time to deal with B’Elanna.
~~~
I hurried down the corridor to B’Elanna and Seven’s quarters. I could hear B’Elanna’s screaming through the door and therefore was not surprised that it took several moments for the occupants to hear my request to enter.
Finally, the door whooshed open and I was struck in the chest by a flying vase. I staggered, slightly, feeling more shocked than hurt.
"Stupid idiot" B’Elanna yelled at me "What did you get in the way for?"
I had to grin at her words. Only B’Elanna could accidentally throw something at a guest and then blame HIM for getting in the way.
"What’s wrong now?" I asked and Seven answered me in her cool, Nordic tone
"It appears that the replicator rations that were donated for the reception have been confiscated against the cost of Tom’s cure."
"WHAT?" I yelled in fury
"Exactly, Starfleet. That fucking bitch has emptied the account." B’Elanna howled, scrabbling for another ‘weapon’.
"Bitch? Umm do you mean the Captain?" I asked nervously, not sure that the term should be applied to a Starfleet Captain, whatever the provocation.
"Well I don’t mean the fucking tooth fairy!" B’Elanna screamed, throwing a picture frame in my general direction. Both Seven and I ducked reflexively as it shattered on the wall behind us.
"Have you asked her about it?" I asked, "Perhaps it’s an error. After all, the replicators were all taken off line when we left V’rakn so all the accounts were probably automatically emptied. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t intend to give them back."
"That is a logical premise," Seven said quietly
"She’d damn well better. Those weren’t general ship’s supplies they were private. A lot of people not only gave up replicator rations they also gave up hours of holodec time to increase their donations. Considering the fact that it could be months before they get another chance on the holodecs, I don’t think they’ll be happy to find out that they made their sacrifices in vain." B’Elanna snarled.
Not to mention Sue’s ring, I thought, remembering my own donation after Tom and I returned from Y'ndoria.
"I suggest that we ask the Captain for an explanation before you completely re-decorate our quarters, B’Elanna" Seven said with cool poise "Perhaps you would go and see her, Harry?"
I swallowed nervously. The Captain had been strangely aloof for the past fortnight, ever since the strange scenes on the Bridge. There had been a lot of speculation as to what had gone on but no facts had emerged and the general consensus had become that Tom and Chakotay had fought over something and the Captain had been caught in the middle.
I had asked Tom about it and he had admitted that he had asked the Captain to leave him behind. Chakotay was obviously furious with her for agreeing to Tom’s request. To be honest, I wasn’t that pleased with her decision either, but then I had never been able to say no to Tom myself so I couldn’t blame her for giving in.
Chakotay, on the other hand, had spent the last two weeks avoiding her socially and being extremely formal on the bridge.
You could cut the atmosphere between them with a knife. The only good point in the whole fortnight had been when Tom had passed his flight simulation tests and been allowed back on duty. Neither the Captain nor Chakotay had been willing to show their antipathy in front of Tom, so an illusion of normality had slowly returned.
I was not looking forward to the idea of bearding the lion in her den, so to speak, over the ‘lost’ rations. However, I certainly didn’t want B’Elanna to do it and it was obvious that unless Seven stayed with her she would get out of control again. So, I nodded glumly and headed for the Captain’s quarters.
When the door opened, the Captain looked momentarily disappointed as though she had hoped to see someone else.
"What can I do for you, Mr. Kim?" She asked formally
"I - Um - I wanted to talk to you about a personal matter, Captain."
For a moment I could have sworn she flinched, but it was probably my imagination because she immediately smiled and invited me in.
"What is it, Harry?" She asked, indicating that I should sit down. I perched nervously on the edge of one of her easy chairs.
"Well, I – um – I don’t know how to put this, Captain. I – um, I wanted to ask about Tom and Chakotay."
The Captain stiffened dangerously,
"What exactly do you mean?" She hissed
"Their reception, Captain." I stuttered nervously, unsure of exactly what sensitive topic I had obviously touched on.
She seemed to relax again at my words
"What about the reception?" she queried, her voice back to normal.
"Well, I know that we had to pay a huge price for Tom’s recovery, and we all understand that the replicators are off line indefinitely but still, we all donated a lot of credits towards the reception and it wouldn’t seem fair if we couldn’t have at least some of them towards the wedding. I mean, I know that it will make things even more difficult for Voyager, but like you always say, Voyager is a family as well as a ship, and some things are more important than warp speed."
My words trailed off and I braced myself for her anger. The ship was already limping along at half-power. She would probably be furious at the idea of giving even more energy just to make Tom happy.
I nearly fell off my chair at her response.
"You’re right, Harry. Of course the reception will go as planned. I never intended to refuse to allow the donated credits to be used. In fact, I am intending to supplement them personally as much as I can, although admittedly we have very little to spare, at the moment." The Captain said, with a small twist to her mouth that on anyone else I would interpret as hurt.
I was ashamed that I had ever doubted her.
"Thank you Captain, everybody will be really pleased to hear that."
"By everyone, I assume you mean B’Elanna." The Captain said wryly
I attempted to look innocent but she laughed gently
"I’ve had several security reports of the sounds of breaking crockery on the Officer’s deck, Harry."
"Oh, well, I’ll make sure she knows what you’ve said."
"Good," The Captain said
I was almost out of the door when she stopped me
"Oh, and Harry…"
"Yes, Ma’am?"
"Perhaps you would mention my decision to Mr. Tuvok, too"
I looked at her questioningly, but her face was unreadable.
"Of course, Captain." I said
As I walked down the corridor, I considered her last request. She had sounded so sad, so defeated, and so un-captain-like despite her granite expression.
Obviously Tom’s situation had caused more division than I was aware of. Now I thought about it, I realised that Tuvok had been conspicuously absent from the Captain’s presence since V’rakn. I decided that as soon as I had calmed B’Elanna down I would track down Tuvok and do whatever was necessary to heal the rift between them.
I was determined that nothing would mar Tom’s happiness tomorrow.
~~~~~~
TOM
The last fortnight had gone by in a blur. I couldn’t remember ever being so happy. Chakotay and I had spent every hour we could locked alone in our quarters, getting intimately re-acquainted.
I was so sore I could hardly pull up the trousers of my dress uniform and the pain was simply wonderful. Every twitch reminded me that Chakotay had touched me, had loved me, had filled me with his presence and the fact that he found me worthy of his attentions re-iterated my own new feelings of self-worth.
I hadn’t spent the whole two weeks just being well and truly fucked, although my ass protested the contrary. I had also spent the first week doing flight SIMMs on the holodec. Although the holodec facility had been closed to general use, it had been judged that the amount of energy required allowing me to get back up to speed and into the pilot’s seat was worth the price.
By the second week I was back at Voyager’s helm, torn between ecstasy at flying again and guilt that Voyager’s sluggish response was down to the extortionate cost of my cure.
There was a long way to go before I would be fully recovered. My leg muscles had wasted despite the care both Chakotay and the Doctor had taken to keep me toned. I found walking painful and difficult but the very fact that I WAS walking made the suffering worth while.
I had expected a natural resentment from the crew, after all it had been my own recklessness that had caused my injury and everyone had paid the price for my cure. But all I experienced, as I slowly meandered around the ship amazed at the changed perspective of seeing things from six-foot rather than a sitting position, was numerous expressions of genuine happiness at my recovery.
It was truly humbling and heart-warming. I had never had much self-esteem. I had hidden my insecurities behind a mask of cocky confidence but at some level had always been aware that my very presence had been enough for most people to sigh with displeasure or even hate.
Coming back to Voyager after V’rakn, was like being reborn.
And the greatest of my confidence came from the knowledge that Chakotay surely loved me. Knowing that in a few short hours I would be his husband. My heart beat a wild tattoo every time I considered the fact. Me, Tom Paris, general fuck-up, was going to marry the most wonderful man in the whole universe.
I could have just exploded with happiness.
It was as though my life up to this point had been a shabby dress rehearsal but at exactly 1500 I would be Lieutenant Tom Paris-Chakotay and my real life would begin.
Then nothing could ever hurt me again.
CHAKOTAY
I had pictured myself getting married in white, on the shores of the holodec resort program. I had imagined walking bare-footed across the sand to Tom; his long red-blonde hair tussled by the wind, his chest bare under a loose silk shirt.
I regretted that we would instead be married in the mess hall in dress uniforms, but the fact that Tom would be standing tall and proud at my side was worth more than any scenery.
We had spent the last two weeks sharing our bodies and slowly repairing the terrible rips in our souls. I wasn’t foolish enough to think that it would be plain sailing from now on. At some point every night I had woken to the sound of Tom crying in his sleep and each time I woke him he looked around wildly until he registered my presence and then he clung to me desperately. At those times I suspected that if he could have crawled right under my skin for comfort he would have.
As I walked slowly through the Mess Hall doors with Tuvok, who had seemed inordinately pleased to be my Best Man, and saw the back of Tom’s glossy blonde head, his hair spilling in soft waves down his shoulders, I knew that I would never leave him again.
All but a handful of crew was packed tightly into the mess hall. Those few who had drawn short-straws to man the ship were no-doubt glued to the monitors to watch the ceremony. It was as though the hope inspired by my wedding to Tom had infected everyone on Voyager, even Kathryn.
On this wonderful day I could almost forgive her for her actions. She had spared no effort in ensuring that the reception could be as good as our meager resources allowed and as I approached Tom’s side in front of her she gave me a wry apologetic smile and I was gracious enough to nod back. It would be a long time, if ever, before I would be able to reach out to her in friendship but since her meddling had caused no permanent damage, I could at least put my anger away.
As though invigorated by my lack of ire, a wide relieved smile appeared on her face and she began the ceremony, which would finally make Tom mine forever.
TOM
I had wanted to be the one who walked ‘down the aisle’ to Chakotay, but had finally agreed with Harry that the joy of the ceremony would be somewhat dampened by my halting, limping shuffle down the middle of the mess hall. So I had arrived first and waited for Chakotay’s arrival.
I can’t describe how terrified I was for those few minutes before he arrived. I experienced a thousand images of Chakotay simply failing to turn up. I actually enacted a whole scenario in my head of how I would try to maintain my composure, as I had to face the whole crew in the wake of his abandonment. I was actually trying to concoct a snappy throw-away comment to say as people realised I had been stood up, when I heard his footsteps softly approaching and I looked over my shoulder and my breath caught in my throat.
He was resplendent in his dress uniform, his black hair slick, his proud bronze face serene but his dark eyes flashing with obvious appreciation at my appearance.
I had been wearing my over-long hair in a ponytail for bridge duty, but despite dress codes I had left it flowing for my wedding. As he reached my side, his right hand snuck up behind my back and caressed the back of my neck, his fingers gliding adoringly through my hair. I didn’t know why he found my long hair such a turn on, but since it evidently did something for him, it was fine by me.
The beginning of the ceremony was a complete haze to me. I was so blissfully aware of his secret caresses, of his very presence, that the Captain’s words were a just a background hum, until Harry jabbed me in the ribs and then passed me the ring.
"Do you, Thomas Eugene Paris, take Chakotay to be your husband, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?" The Captain asked.
I turned to Chakotay with a huge grin
"I do," I said firmly and grasping his left hand I slid the ring over his third finger. He looked down at his hand and gasped in pleasure at the beautiful piece of jewelry.
I held my breath for a minute, watching the ‘eyes’ of the ‘wolf’. Harry had explained the reactions of these crystals to me. This was the moment I would truly know Chakotay’s feelings.
For a terrible moment the crystals stayed a dull red and then just as I thought I might faint from fright, they glared into a blue brilliance.
I gasped with relief. It was true, then. Chakotay loved me. He truly was happy to be marrying me. If only I could have frozen that moment in time.
That one perfect moment.
"Do you Chakotay.." The Captain said and then all hell broke loose.
The mess hall became a flash of red lights and the deafening klaxon of Red Alert drowned any further speech.
For a moment we stood in a tableau of confusion, Chakotay’s eyes meeting mine in sorrow and bitter disappointment, the Captain staring at us in horrified pity, then we spun silently away from each other, rushing like well-trained robots to our stations, the wedding abandoned.
~~~
Kathryn, Tuvok and I raced neck and neck to the bridge, leaving Harry to help Tom to limp slowly in our wake. In the brief rest of the turbolift, the Captain patted me gently on the shoulder.
"I’m so sorry, Chakotay" I heard her say, but I was too distraught to answer and then the lift doors opened and we spilled out onto the bridge.
"Status?" Kathryn snapped as she took her chair, although the viewscreen spoke a volume of explanation.
A huge round spatial anomaly had opened in front of us. It enveloped all the surrounding space and its edges pulsed with sparks of energy.
Voyager had been brought to a complete stop.
"I think it’s the opening of a worm-hole, Captain" Ensign Ratchek replied nervously from the Conn.
"It is an artificial creation" Tuvok stated, as he took his station and checked sensor readings "the point of origin appears to be…" He paused and checked again. Then he raised his eyebrow in perplexed wonder "the Alpha Quadrant!"
"Is it stable?" Kathryn snapped, visibly containing her excitement.
At that moment Tom limped across the bridge, giving me a wry smile as he passed and took over the helm. I could hardly bear to look at his dejected shoulders. I had prayed for a chance like this for years but would have given up all hope of getting home if I could have prevented the fiasco that our wedding had turned into.
"Unknown, Captain." Tuvok replied
"Launch a class 2 probe" Kathryn ordered but before her orders could be carried out, the wormhole flared and a small ship was disgorged from its depths.
The strange craft came to a halt just outside our shields.
"I am reading just one life-sign" Tuvok stated
"The markings are not Federation, Captain" Harry squeaked from the COM. I looked at him in surprise; I hadn’t seen him arrive.
"Do you recognise the insignia, Mr. Tuvok?" Kathryn asked
"I believe the ship originates from a planet in the Alpha Quadrant. The markings are those of the Heran homeworld."
I felt the blood drain from my face and I grasped the arms of my chair for balance. In front of me Tom gave an almost inaudible moan and stiffened in his chair.
"Heran?" The Captain was struggling with her memory.
"It is a closed planet, with Federation protection." Tuvok stated unemotionally, completely unaware that two members of the bridge crew were on the verge of collapse.
"What the hell is it doing here?" Kathryn wondered aloud
"Presumably trying to rescue us." Tuvok replied dryly
I was frozen in horror. There was only one reason a Heran ship would have come to rescue us and it was obvious that Tom had not missed the implication either.
"How did the ship find us?" Harry queried innocently
"The Herans are technologically far more advanced than the Federation. It seems that they have solved the problem of creating a stable artificial wormhole. However, I do not understand why they would wish to help us. There is a history of alienation between Hera and Starfleet." Tuvok said
"The ship is hailing us." Harry said in excitement
"On viewscreen, Mr. Kim"
Harry hurried to patch the ship through.
Seconds later the screen was filled by a face so familiar that my heart somersaulted with the conflicting emotions of happiness and despair.
"Greetings from Hera to the crew of Voyager. Captain Janeway, may I have permission to land?" the Heran purred softly,
Kathryn turned to look at me, her face unreadable.
"I presume this is someone you know, Chakotay." She said coolly
I could hardly deny it, given that Angel was wearing the twin of my tattoo on his perfect forehead.
"Yes, Captain. His name is Angel, he’s an old – friend."
She blanched as she looked at my stunned face and then at Tom, who was almost sinking under the helm in abject misery at my words. A look of pity filled her face as she obviously realised that Angel was more than an old ‘friend’ of mine.
"Mr. Kim, lower shields and open the shuttle-bay doors. Commander Chakotay, perhaps you would escort me to meet our visitor?"
"Tom?" I pleaded desperately at Tom but he refused to turn around and meet my glance.
I started towards him but was stopped by Kathryn’s hand on my arm. "Commander?" Kathryn snapped warningly and I sighed and followed her off the bridge.
KATHRYN
In retrospect, I was surprised I didn’t recognise Angel immediately, after all I had once seen his photo on Chakotay’s bedside table and he was hardly someone that you would forget.
But the shock of his arrival, especially the bizarre timing was enough to throw anyone for a loop. Besides, in the photo he had not been wearing a tattoo.
Chakotay had turned almost white with shock, Angel’s arrival at exactly that point had been like a scene from a bad holo-vid. I cursed myself for my interference. If only I had left them alone, Tom and Chakotay would have already been married and this ‘Angel’ would have arrived too late.
Now I had no idea at all of what would happen. Evidently Angel had spent all these years trying to find us a way home. He had presumably stayed faithful to Chakotay and I knew that my First Officer would be unable to turn his back on such loyalty.
On the other hand, Tom would be destroyed if Chakotay left him now.
There was no possible outcome from this menagé-a-trois than tragedy.
I deliberately rushed Chakotay off the bridge, preventing him from talking to Tom. At this point all he could do was make Tom hollow promises and false reassurances. In my opinion, the sooner he spoke to Angel, the more chance we had of resolving this mess.
CHAKOTAY
I have always prided myself on my ability to face situations head-on. I have never deliberately run away from anything in my life. But as I followed Kathryn to the shuttle bay I prayed for some miracle to happen. Like an attack of the Borg. Assimilation definitely felt preferable to facing Angel and admitting that I had fallen in love with Tom.
There was no way I could let go of Tom now. When he had groaned on the bridge and tried to hide in his seat like a lost little boy, I had just wanted to grab him in my arms and hold him tight. I would have done or said anything to assure him that nothing had changed.
Only, it had.
I didn’t know what the hell to do. If only I could split myself in half and live two lives. Most people live their whole life and never meet anyone who truly loves them. Why the hell had I met two people who were so precious? Why had the spirits chosen to torment me with the choice of destroying either one or both of them?
My people believed that the Spirits never gave you a burden that you were incapable of bearing.
My people were evidently full of crap.
ANGEL
I was living on Dorvan V with Chakotay’s remaining family when his ship was reported lost in the Badlands. For weeks I refused to believe the reports. Information was sketchy at best and the Federation loved to plant rumors to discourage the Maquis.
But as the weeks turned into months and there was no sign of his return I began to spiral into depression. If only I had been less useless in a fight I would have been at Chakotay’s side. I understood why he left me at his home while he fought his war, I had an uncanny ability to start fights just by walking into rooms and Chakotay had spent the first few months of our relationship with permanent black eyes.
My expertise with his ship’s computer systems was completely nullified by my uncontrollable panic whenever we faced dangerous situations. Chakotay understood that it wasn’t cowardice on my part that made me collapse under the strain of combat. I had been bred to react that way; it was in my genes and was beyond my control. It did however make it impossible for me to stay on board.
Chakotay’s family had welcomed me with open arms. Dorvan V was a society with low-level technology. My exceptional strength was invaluable to them as they tried to restore their farm. So while Chakotay fought, I rebuilt houses destroyed in the attempted occupation and plowed fields and made us a home.
The waiting was always terrible, but each time Chakotay returned it was like the joy of meeting him for the first time all over again.
Only, one day he didn’t return.
I wanted to die. I wouldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I don’t think I would have survived if we hadn’t heard the news that Voyager was lost in the Delta Quadrant, 70 years away, but still in one piece and with Chakotay on board. I had found a new strength in the knowledge and had left Dorvan V for Hera, waiting only long enough to receive Chakotay’s family tattoo as a token of my undying love for not only him but his whole tribe.
For six years I had begged and cajoled and bullied our scientists to solve the problem of bringing my beloved back home. Then six months ago the prototype was developed and success was in my grasp. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, Voyager was far larger than my craft. The wormhole would have to be widened from this end and a revolutionary new warp-drive incorporated into their systems. I wasn’t bringing an instant-fix, but I was bringing hope, and I would at least be with my beloved as we waited.
I landed in the shuttle-bay, almost too blinded by tears to manage the simple maneuver. In only minutes now I would be in Chakotay’s arms again.
CHAKOTAY
I knew that the only fair way to deal with the situation would be to let Angel know immediately that I could no longer continue our relationship.
It had been six and a half-years. Surely he would understand. I would be formal with him from the start, leave him in absolutely no doubt that our relationship was over. I steeled myself to walk up to the door of the small ship and stood at rigid attention, locking my face into a mask of indifference.
The door opened quietly and Angel emerged.
I heard Kathryn’s soft gasp. Even seeing him on the monitor had not prepared her for his actual presence. He was six-foot seven of absolute perfection from his long blonde hair and vibrant golden eyes right down to his toes.
He turned to me and his face creased into a huge smile. I felt my knees weaken under his gaze of pure adoration. Like a child his excitement was too much for him and he raced towards me and threw his arms around me in an ecstatic hug as he kissed me desperately.
I honestly tried to resist his charm but I couldn’t help my body’s instant response to his closeness, his delicious scent filled my nostrils, flooding me with memories and as his sweet tongue plundered my mouth I found myself hugging him back, my erection pressing excitedly against his muscular thigh.
How could I have forgotten how fantastic he felt? I craved him like a starving man needed food. I am ashamed to admit that in that moment, the memory of Tom completely escaped me.
It was only as I pulled reluctantly out of his embrace at the sound of Kathryn’s discrete cough, that I noticed Tom standing at the entrance of the Shuttle Bay.
He was as white as a ghost.
I looked at him in horror, frozen by my guilt as Angel draped his arm possessively over my shoulder and looked at Tom with the unconscious condescension of his sheer perfection.
Tom was gasping for breath, his mouth opening and closing silently as he struggled to form a sentence.
I knew I had to go to him, let him know everything was all right, that it wasn’t what he thought. But Angel’s body was pressed into mine and, Spirits forgive me, I just couldn’t bear to pull away from him.
Before I could form any words, Tom spoke with a dignity that was heart breaking.
"I’ll – um – I’ll move my things then." He said quietly and turned and slowly limped away.
And I let him go.
TOM
In the small bathroom of the guest quarters that I had been hurriedly relegated to, I filled the basin with cold water and sank my face in to try to clear my head and then rose to stare in hate and defeated misery at the dripping reflection in the mirror.
I recognised the plain ordinariness of my pale over-thin face. My dull blue eyes were so colorless compared with the golden brilliance of Angel’s. The deep ugly frown lines etched in testament to my long illness were in stark comparison to the flawless perfection of his features.
There was nothing attractive in my face; it was too plain, too ordinary, and too human. There was nothing in my reflection that could even begin to compete with Angel.
I had always known that, deep down, ever since I saw his photograph. But to have been faced by the reality of him in the flesh, to have stood in the same room and known myself judged and found wanting, was more than I could bear, especially on this night of all nights.
The night that should have been the start of my life as Chakotay’s husband.
As I stared in loathing at my face, I realised that the only aspect of my appearance that had any similarity with Chakotay’s lover was my long hair. Bitterness overwhelmed me, as finally I understood why Chakotay had insisted that I grew it. It had been Chakotay’s attempt to make me look more like HIM. I could no longer fool myself that I had ever been more than a pale substitute for Chakotay’s true love.
I gasped with the agony of the realisation. Unbearable pain ripped through the tattered shreds of my heart. Desperately I fumbled in the well-stocked bathroom cabinet, angrily tossing bottles out onto the floor, listening with satisfaction to them shattering around me, until I found what I was looking for. The razor glinted in the bright light of the bathroom. It winked at me with sharp promise as I turned it slowly in my hands.
For a long time I was mesmerized by the blade then I grabbed a handful of hair and hacked through it. As the knife-edge glided easily through the months of growth, I could feel some of my tension releasing. Yes, this was what I needed to do, I thought, I need to cut that man right out of my hair! I giggled at the snatch of half-remembered 20th century music that accompanied the thought and began to hum maniacally in time to my vicious slashes.
Again and again I attacked my offending hair until the basin was half-filled with the dead strands. They swirled like a log pile in the water. I was laughing hysterically, almost blinded by the tears pouring down my cheeks. My hand was shaking with the tremors that ran through me as I sobbed in a weird combination of despair and hiccuping laughter.
Unable to stop, I dragged the razor over the remaining short tufts, turning my whole head into a battlefield of stubble and shallow cuts. Then I scraped at the stubble until I was just grazing bare pink scalp.
When there was nothing left on my head but bleeding skin, I dropped my hands to the basin and ran a finger through the water, making it swirl, watching in fascination as tiny red droplets dripped off my forehead onto the discarded hair and dispersed pinkly into the water in an hypnotic pattern.
I was disappointed when the drips stopped, aware that the hair was still too blonde, too like HIS. It wasn’t enough to have cut it. It needed to be destroyed, drowned. I didn’t think of the act any more consciously than that. I was just responding to the need to cover the hair.
I didn’t even feel the new cut, I just watched as the pink water turned a deep red, swirling torrentially around the basin, dyeing every last offending strand.
Feeling oddly tired I sank onto the toilet seat, resting my head on the edge of the basin, relieved by its cold metallic pressure on my forehead. I could feel a rushing sound in my ears that almost drowned out the gushing from my wrist.
The sound began to fade into the distance. I was so tired, so very tired…I just wanted to sleep now. Everything seemed very remote. I couldn’t remember where I was, couldn’t quite grasp why I felt so detached from everything.
I tried to stand but my legs were strangely rubbery, so I simply folded down onto the tiled floor and hugged myself into a tiny ball and gave in to the overwhelming desire to simply fade away.