ANGEL

By Morticia

37-39/60

Part 37

HARRY

I gazed at the data padd with difficulty, every time I tried to read a sentence the words blurred and then I got completely distracted. I kept reaching the end of the first paragraph and then realising that I still had no real idea what it had said.

It was a letter from my parents, I knew that much, but I couldn’t actually concentrate on its contents. I had made the mistake of reading Libby’s letter first.

For six and a half years I had been consumed by my desire to get home and now, in view of her letter, I desperately wanted the artificial wormhole to fail.

Libby HAD waited for me. What the hell was I going to say to Sue?

Suddenly, I was ashamed of my attack on Chakotay. What was the difference between his actions with this Angel character and my thoughts about Libby?

And as unfair as it might be, my mind provided the answer. The difference was that Chakotay’s actions affected Tom. Even the knowledge that I would probably act no better in his shoes was no reason for me to forgive him. He had hurt Tom. Hurting Tom was the one unforgivable crime in my book.

I had spent the two weeks of Tom’s recuperation on V’rakn sharing his pain at Chakotay’s abandonment. For Tom’s sake I had said nothing when they had reconciled. I had even spent the next two weeks preparing their wedding. For Chakotay to have reached the point in their vows that he had and still turn away was a crime of such enormity that I couldn’t even imagine a bad enough punishment for him.

Instead of spending his wedding night in bed with Chakotay, Tom had spent it alone, bleeding to death on a cold tile floor. It was unforgivable. I hated Chakotay with an intensity of emotion that was alien to me.

And even as I considered this disquieting feeling, I realised that I WOULDN’T act the same way. I wouldn’t do to Sue what Chakotay had done to Tom. It just wasn’t right.

I wondered whether Libby would end up feeling the same hatred for me. Probably, but it wasn't fair. It had been six and a half years. Both Libby and Angel should have got on with their own lives. Their loyalty wasn’t selfless love, it was self-indulgence. Neither of them had the right to inflict their inadequacies on us. Normal people would have grieved and then moved on.

We weren’t married, we didn’t share children, there were no ties that bound us inexorably together.

My loyalty now had to be with the person who had shared my bed and my heart for the last year. And so should Chakotay’s. Libby and Angel both needed to wake up and smell the damned coffee.

The chirping of my comm. badge interrupted my introspection.

"Kim, here" I said, tapping the receiver

"Could you please come to sickbay, Mr. Kim?" The Captain’s voice asked calmly

"Is – is Tom – is Tom –" I stuttered in fear

"Tom’s fine, Harry, I just need your assistance in something."

"On my way, Captain" I gulped in relief.

For a moment I had been sure that Tom had died, after all. I had been desperate to go back to him but had been waiting for a security detail to march me to the brig in view of my attack on the Commander. There had been nothing in the Captain’s voice to indicate that she was aware of my actions, but I wasn’t naïve enough to think that she hadn’t been told.

She was either waiting for a better moment to court-martial me, or she secretly approved of my actions, and although it seemed almost beyond belief, I was more inclined to hope for the latter.

As I entered sickbay I was relieved to see Tom sitting up. He was as pale as a ghost and looked as punch-drunk as if he had done twenty rounds with an enraged Klingon, but he was alive, and his mouth creased into an embarrassed but genuine smile as he saw me.

"Hi, Haz" He whispered and I couldn’t stop myself from going over and squeezing him in a huge hug. He wheezed in protest as I crushed his over-thin ribs and I released him, tears stinging my eyes.

"You stupid bastard" I whispered sadly "How the hell would I have coped without you?"

"I’m sorry, Haz" Tom whispered back and began to cry. Mortified I gave him another hug, wishing desperately that I could do something, anything to take his pain away. For a second I imagined koshing Chakotay over the head and dragging his bound and naked body back here and chaining him at Tom’s feet. It was a remarkably satisfying image.

"Mr. Kim" The Captain said, a little impatiently and I guiltily realised that I hadn’t even acknowledged her when I walked in. She was standing with Tuvok, so at least that confirmed that she already knew I had attacked Chakotay.

"Sorry, Captain." I said, snapping to attention.

"Relax, Harry, this is a personal request." She replied softly. I could see the faint telltale signs of tears on her face. I was oddly gratified to discover her obvious concern for my best friend.

"What can I do for you?"

"Well, actually it’s for Tom" she said

"Anything" I said fervently, grasping one of Tom’s cold slender hands and squeezing it reassuringly.

"It seems that Tom doesn’t have anywhere to go at the moment and the Doctor has agreed that he can leave sickbay."

"Under certain conditions" The Doctor interrupted pompously

Nodding her agreement at the Doctor, the Captain continued

"One of those conditions is that he shouldn’t be left alone. I thought you might be prepared to volunteer to stay with him for a while. I realise that your quarters aren’t large enough for two people, Harry. I wondered whether you would consider moving into the ambassadorial suite with Tom, just until he feels better."

I have to admit that the thought of living in the ambassadorial suite would have even tempted me to move in with Chell, but to be honest I would have shared a closet with Tom, if it would help.

"Of course, Captain, I’d be delighted." I said and Tom squeezed my hand gratefully

"The other conditions are these. Tom will have to wear a security anklet at all times so that his life signs can be monitored. Any attempt to remove it will result in him being restricted indefinitely to sickbay. Access to all critical systems such as the Bridge, the Warp Core and the Transporter pads are denied. He will be expected to attend counseling sessions daily and under no circumstances is he to be left alone. Either Tuvok or the Doctor will relieve you if you need time to yourself."

"Are you okay with this, Tom?" I asked in concern, watching him shrink in embarrassed dejection at the Captain’s list of restrictions.

"Anything, Haz. I just want to get out of this goldfish bowl."

I nodded in sympathy. The sickbay was way too public a place in which to nurse a broken heart.

"Okay, Captain, when can we go?" I asked enthusiastically

"As soon as the Doctor has modified the security anklet to Tom’s particular lifesigns."

"I’ve finished, Captain. I’ll put it on now," The Doctor said and bent down to attach it. Tom gave a little sob, but didn’t resist.

"Any questions, Harry?"

"Can we go to the mess hall?"

"Of course, Tom is not under arrest. As long as you stay away from critical areas you can go anywhere, you can even use the holodecs now I have re-opened them." The Captain said and then flushed as she realised who had been responsible for supplying the powerpacks that made that possible.

"And what about the Commander" I asked awkwardly

"Tom has asked for a restraining order to be placed on Commander Chakotay. You will hopefully not be seeing him and be warned, Mr. Kim that should you strike him again, you will spend the rest of this journey in the brig, and where would Tom be then?"

I nodded in subdued understanding.

"Haz?" Tom queried, bewildered by the Captain’s comment

"I’ll tell you later Tom. Come on." I said and helped him to his feet.

Between his current weakness and the pronounced limp that he still had from his accident, I doubted we could make it to our new quarters.

"Permission to use the transporters, Captain?" I queried

"Of course. Thank you Harry. Try to get some rest Tom, I’ll call by to see you both later."

Tuvok signaled the transporter room and a moment later we were transported right into the luxurious quarters normally reserved for visiting dignitaries.

"Wow," Tom said, spinning around to take in the room "I should have tried to top myself sooner." He quipped

I knew that his joke was just a self-protective mechanism so I quelled my anger at his flippancy, but not my hurt.

"Please don’t joke about it, Tom. It isn’t funny. You nearly died."

"I know. " Tom said with quiet regret and something in the way he said it warned me that it wasn’t his attempt that he regretted but his failure to succeed. Suddenly the conditions of Tom’s release didn’t seem so cruel and restrictive.

I sank down into one of the sumptuous chairs, suddenly too weak at the knees to stand.

"Why, Tom?" I whispered "Why can’t you just let the bastard go?"

Sinking into the chair opposite, Tom was silent for a long time, but I could see emotions racing over his naked face as he struggled to answer me, so I waited patiently until he could explain.

"I’ve never loved anyone before, Harry. If I had known how much it hurt I wouldn’t have let myself fall in love, ever." He said solemnly

"Love shouldn’t hurt, Tom. The hurt should be telling you that something’s not right. Chakotay’s not fit to lick your boots, Tom. He’s a selfish, egotistical bastard. You deserve better than him."

Unbelievably, Tom’s face was immediately infused with anger at my words.

"Shut up, shut the fuck up. It’s not his fault. Don’t you dare call him names!" Tom screamed at me in fury.

I was stunned by his angry defense of the man who had driven him to suicide. What the hell was wrong with Tom? Why couldn’t he see Chakotay for what he was?

"How many times has he let you down, Tom? How many times has he promised to love you forever and then walked away when the going got rough?"

"Shut up, shut up" Tom sobbed

"So it’s not his fault that he spent six weeks treating you like a non-sentient piece of garbage when you first moved in with him? Not his fault that he walked away from you at V’rakn? Not his fault that he promised to marry you and on the very day of your wedding went back to his old lover? Whose fucking fault was it then?" I yelled in outrage

Tom looked at me in pure fury, hate flashing from his eyes. He opened his mouth to answer but then paused in confusion. His face began to crumple, his lips trembled, and his eyes began to dart furtively for an avenue of escape. He swallowed furiously as tears began to creep from his eyes and finally his voice emerged in a broken whisper

"Mine" he gasped and then he began to cry again, his shoulders racked with his great heart-breaking sobs.

I scooted frantically over to kneel between his legs, gently cupping his weeping face in my hands, forcing him to meet my eyes.

"Oh God, Tom, how can you imagine it’s your fault?"

"Because it IS my fault. I’m a fuck-up, Haz. Why would he love me? There’s nothing to love. I’m not beautiful like Angel, or brainy or brave or interesting or ANYTHING. There’s nothing about me that’s good enough for him. I always knew that. I knew he was only making do with me. It’s not his fault he doesn’t love me. There’s nothing to love." Tom sobbed piteously

I couldn’t believe that Tom’s self-esteem had sunk so low. I should have seen it coming, I had known for a long time that something wasn’t right about his relationship with Chakotay but I had stayed silent, unwilling to interfere. I had just stood by and let Tom descend into his depression.

"You’re wrong Tom, you’re brave and funny and good. You are my best friend. I don’t take that lightly and neither should you. If you are good enough to be my friend then you’re good enough for anyone to love you, or do you think so little of me that you think I’m not good enough for anyone else to like?" I asked cleverly

Tom blinked in confusion "I – I – "

"Is my friendship less important to you than your relationship with Chakotay?"

"NO" Tom protested

"So, do you think that I am just making do with you? Do you think that I am going to leave you too?" I asked, carefully pitching my voice in a tone of outrage

"I – no, Haz, I – no" He stuttered in panic at my evident anger

"So if you are good enough for me, shouldn’t you be good enough for him too?" I stated triumphantly, snapping the trap shut.

"I – I don’t know," Tom mumbled in panic

I decided it was time to let him off the hook, I wanted to shake some sense into him, but I didn’t want to give him a nervous breakdown in the process. I had at least given him something to think about.

Hopefully, his own mind would do the rest.

"I think you’re too tired to think clearly, Tom. Why don’t I run you a bath and then you can go to bed for a bit."

He looked at me in bewildered misery and then his expression cleared slightly as my words sank in

"Bath?" he asked hopefully

"Hey, lets make the most of the facilities while we can, Tom," I laughed gently and was rewarded by a tentative smile.

Unwilling to leave him alone for even a moment, I led him to the bathroom and made him sit on the toilet seat as I ran the water into the bath.

He was very quiet and subdued as he waited. I could only hope that his silence indicated that he was mulling over my words.

Part 38

CHAKOTAY

I woke with a hell of a hangover. I couldn’t remember drinking last night, spirits, I couldn’t remember anything at all about yesterday. It must have been one hell of a wedding.

I tried to open my eyes but as I widened the crack between my eyelids, the resultant rush of light stormed into my brain like a white-hot knife and I had to shut my eyes tightly again to stop the pain.

I groaned in agony, swearing I would never drink again. I could feel Tom’s warm body wrapped securely around me, his arms hugging my chest, his long hair spilling over my shoulder as he pressed spoon fashion into my back.

My cock stirred hungrily as though it had its own independent brain, one obviously unaffected by the thudding pounding hammering in my head. I yawned widely, surprised at the resultant ache in my jaw. It almost felt like I had been punched. Wow, it had either been one hell of a reception or Tom had gotten carried away last night.

I had a vague happy memory of him waking me earlier and riding me like a horse. My cock stirred again at the memory. Tom had never taken the initiative like that before. Married life must have given him some of the confidence that he was so badly lacking.

If only I could think past this bloody migraine. I moaned again and felt Tom stir at my side.

"You okay Chak?" he whispered. His voice sounded weird, a little too deep, too loud, familiar but not quite ‘right’, only I couldn’t process the information into any clear thought.

"Hurts," I gasped, my own voice sounding weird and too loud also. "My head hurts." I moaned again, pathetically.

I felt him reach down and kiss my forehead softly. Shit, no wonder I was usually teetotal. Tom didn’t even SMELL right this morning. His scent was sweet and cloying, almost like...oh, no, don’t even go there, I told myself, you’re married to Tom now, don’t even THINK about Angel.

I heard Tom clamber off the bed and pad off into the distance. To my sore head he sounded too large and heavy as he moved. The bed seemed to jerk with the sudden absence of his weight but I decided it must be my imagination, because Tom’s body was too light to even dent my hard mattress.

I dozed again, waking when I felt the soft hiss of a hypospray at my neck and I could actually feel the painkiller spreading through me, clearing the knifing pain, dulling the aches. The relief was indescribable.

"Thanks, babe," I croaked, glad to hear my voice sounding relatively normal, if somewhat rusty, and cautiously I opened my eyes, testing my newfound well being against the glare of my quarters. To my relief, the light was now bearable and I focused to gaze into Tom’s eyes as he bent over me in concern.

"SHIT!" I cried, jumping up in complete shock.

As memory came rushing back, drowning me in guilt and horror, I saw Angel’s face flinch with hurt and tears quickly pooled in his bright, golden eyes at my unmistakable dismay.

"Oh shit," I repeated, but softer this time. "What the hell have I done?"

I sank my head into my hands, covering my face in shame and began to cry.

HARRY

"You can’t see him B’El, he’s asleep." I said desperately, blocking the bedroom door with my body.

"Then I’ll bloody well wake him up. Someone’s got to straighten this mess up." She snarled, pulling at my shoulders to move me. I planted my feet firmly and refused to budge.

"No. It’s taken me hours to finally get him to sleep. He’s in a terrible state. He needs some rest."

"He needs a bloody good slap, what the hell was he thinking?"

She spat angrily

"Well, I don’t know, B’Elanna, I don’t suppose it had anything to do with Chakotay leaving him on his wedding day and running back to Angel" I hissed sarcastically, furious that she could be so unsympathetic. She was supposed to be Tom’s friend.

"Bullshit! Chakotay wouldn’t do that. Tom’s obviously overreacted and so have the rest of you. I know Chakotay. He wouldn’t do it."

"Did you know he was already promised to that bastard, Angel?" I accused

"Yes, and he’s not a bastard. Angel’s a nice person. Very insecure, he’s very like Tom in a lot of ways. That’s probably why Chakotay loves them both. But Chakotay made the decision to marry Tom; he wouldn’t have done that without thinking it through. There’s no way he would go back to Angel." B’Elanna stated firmly

"So he thought that trying to remove Angel’s tonsils with his tongue was a good way of letting him know they were finished?"

I asked bitterly, now having heard the whole of Tom’s version of events.

"I would imagine that he didn’t want to just blurt the truth out to Angel. He probably intended to let Angel down nicely and then go and find Tom to explain. He knew he had a lifetime to make it up to Tom, but he only had that particular moment in time to help Angel cope with the changed situation. What was he supposed to say? "Hi Angel, thanks for waiting but this is Tom and we are getting married today so just sod off will you?"" She snorted derisively

Her words made a kind of sense, but I was too angry to listen to her. She was Chakotay’s friend, she practically worshipped him, and of course she would try and manipulate the situation to make out that it was Tom’s fault for over-reacting.

"Then why the hell did he let Tom just walk away?" I challenged

"He was probably too shocked to know what to do. Knowing the way Chakotay likes to weigh every word before he utters it, he would have still been deciding what to say when Tom stormed off in a temper. He probably thought it was best to let him go and cool off a little. How would he know that Tom would be stupid enough to immediately go and slit his wrists?"

"Good God, B’Elanna. Look at what Tom has been through the last year and a half. He’s as fragile as glass. Chakotay knows that. He could hardly expect Tom to just calmly sit and wait for him to make up his mind who he wanted."

"I think that is exactly what he expected. What is the point of marriage if you don’t trust each other? Tom should have at least given him the benefit of the doubt. I’m not saying that Chakotay didn’t act like a shit, he was too busy trying not to hurt Angel that he hurt Tom instead. I agree he should have had the guts to confront the issue head on but Tom should have at least waited for him to explain himself."

"Well it’s too late now. Tom doesn’t want to see him again. Chakotay may as well stay with Angel after all." I said bluntly.

"Who the hell decided that for Tom? It’s time everybody stopped interfering. This is between Tom and Chakotay. Who the hell are the rest of you to stick your noses in? Chakotay has been locked in his quarters. Tom has apparently issued a restraining order against him, and don’t tell me that was his own bloody idea." She scoffed

"Tom’s been hurt too much, B’Elanna. He doesn’t know what he wants anymore. We only want to protect him."

B’Elanna snorted in disgust

"He’s not a child. He’s a grown man and it’s time he faced up to his life and made his own decisions. Forget the sodding restraining order, if he doesn’t want to see Chakotay then fine, but he can at least tell him to his face. I’m going to talk to Chakotay, Harry, and then I’m going to bring him back here and get this sorted once and for all."

"Tuvok has sealed his quarters."

"And I’m the Chief bloody Engineer, Harry. I suggest you wake Tom up and prepare him for a visitor, and I’m warning you, Harry, if you call Tuvok or the Captain to stop me, I’ll rip your fucking head off your shoulders."

B’ELANNA

It took me longer than I expected to bypass Tuvok’s security override on Chakotay’s door. The truth is my hand was trembling too much with a combination of anger and fear.

Despite my staunch words of support for Chakotay and my assurances to Harry, I was not truly sure that I was right. I remembered Angel too well. I knew that Chakotay did not exactly LOVE the Heran but he was completely captivated by him sexually and had never been able to put aside his feelings of obligation and loyalty.

I just knew that I had never seen Chakotay so content with Angel as I had seen him with Tom. Despite the many obstacles and problems that had been strewn in their path, Tom and Chakotay’s love for each other had always eventually overcome them. They were perfect for each other. The problem was, I wasn’t sure that Chakotay realised it.

I imagined that I would find Chakotay in a terrible state. He would not know why Harry had attacked him or why he had been locked in his quarters. He would no doubt have guessed that there was a problem with Tom but would have no way of knowing what had happened or even if Tom was alive.

Tuvok and the Captain had no right to treat him this way.

I entered his quarters, noting with dismay the terrible destruction. I could hear the sound of Chakotay sobbing in the bedroom and rushed forwards only to freeze in horror at the door at the sight of a completely naked Angel, hugging Chakotay’s equally undressed body in comfort. My sharp nose immediately twitched and identified the musky odor of sexual activity.

The bastard had actually betrayed Tom.

"SoH ghaj ghobe’ quv SoH ghaj ChemoHta’ parmaq tlhej ghaH" I screamed at him in fury and disgust

Chakotay raised miserable eyes to meet mine, flushing in shame at my words.

"SoH Dha’bjej, Dha’chu, qapar Chakotay" I snarled and stepped forwards to give him a resounding slap across the face. He made no move to defend himself but Angel flinched and drew back from my fury, his eyes wide with fear, his body trembling.

Seeing his terror brought me to my senses. It was sometimes hard to remember that someone as large and strong as Angel could be so intimidated by violence. It wasn’t HIS fault that Chakotay had been so false to Tom.

So I folded my arms across my chest and stared down at Chakotay in silence, forcing him to speak.

"It’s not what you think, B’Elanna," he said hesitantly

"Really?" I snorted in disbelief. "I really thought you loved Tom. I just spent half an hour telling Harry you wouldn’t possibly have left him on your wedding day."

"W-wedding day?" Angel stuttered in complete shock

I looked at Chakotay in disbelief.

"You mean you haven’t even told him?" I screamed

"I haven’t had the chance yet," Chakotay muttered

"You mean you were too busy fucking him to bother talking!"

"I – I – " Chakotay twisted on the bed in bewildered guilt

"And while you were getting your jollies, do you have any idea where Tom was?"

"No – I, I –"

"He was cutting his wrists and bleeding to death!" I howled

Chakotay turned a shade of white that seemed impossible, given his normal dark complexion.

"Dead? Tom’s dead?" He gasped and then before I could reassure him he leapt off the bed with an agonised howl, and running to the wall punched it so hard that I actually heard the bones in his hand shatter.

"Noooooooooo!" He wailed, collapsing to his knees in agony.

"He’s okay, Chakotay, the Doctor found him, he’s fine, he’s okay" I soothed desperately until my words sank in and his bleak eyes cleared just long enough for the pain in his hand to register and then he howled again, this time in physical pain.

"Quick, get the bloody med-kit," I hissed at Angel who had been frozen in horror ever since I said the word wedding. He shook his head as though to clear his muddled brain and then coming to his senses he rushed to help me.

As I knitted his bones back together, Chakotay just swayed in misery mumbling "Tom, oh god, Tom, I’ve got to see him, got to go to him"

"I don’t mean to sound callous Chakotay, but if he means so bloody much to you, how come you couldn’t resist sticking your dick up Angel’s ass?"

But before he could answer, Angel spoke, his voice full of hurt and shame.

"It was my fault, B’Elanna. Chak was concussed. He didn’t know what he was doing." Angel admitted quietly "He thought I was Tom."

I looked at the Heran in amazement, seeing the way his body shook as he said the words, understanding the terrible cost of his admission.

"Why?" I asked, not wondering why he had done it as much as why he was admitting it.

Angel didn’t reply, he just wrapped a sheet around himself and walked out of the bedroom, but suddenly I was sure that I knew the answer. Now he knew that Chakotay had intended to marry Tom, he understood that he had arrived too late, after all.

"Come on, Chakotay. We need to get to Tom. He’s convinced you don’t love him and everyone is reinforcing that belief. You don’t have much time to try and put this right."

I pulled Chakotay to his feet and found his clothes and helped him to dress. I had expected him to rush to Tom’s side but instead he was in complete shock, hardly able to move by himself. Shit, he was as much a basket case as Tom. They definitely belonged together, I thought irritably.

I practically had to drag him down the corridor and into the turbo-lift.

"Come on, Chakotay, pull yourself together" I hissed as we stumbled out towards the guest quarters.

"FUCK" I snarled, seeing two security officers guarding the ambassadorial suite, that little fucker Harry had called Tuvok after all!

As I planned the various forms of ritual disembowelment that I would use when I got hold of Harry Kim, Chakotay straightened at my side as though the obstacle was exactly what he needed to wake him up. With a purposeful stride he marched up to the door and demanded to be let in.

CHAKOTAY

I had been sitting on my bed, just crying in shame, desperately trying to find the words to explain to Angel that I didn’t want him anymore. How the hell could I tell this beautiful, gentle, man that I had found a new love, that I wanted to be with Tom.

How on earth could I explain that I had only made love with him because I had mistakenly thought he was Tom? There was no way to say it without wounding him beyond repair and he had done nothing to deserve my rejection.

Then B’Elanna burst in and saw us together. She was understandably horrified, calling me dishonest and ruthless, saying that I had no honor. There was no way to defend myself against her words without hurting Angel by my reply so I just couldn’t find a way to explain myself.

Then she told me Tom was dead and something inside me shattered. The pain in my heart was so great that I just had to mask it with physical agony. Then, as I slowly comprehended that Tom was alive after all, instead of joy I felt a complete numbness descend. I knew I had to go to him, check he was alright, face-up to the harm I had caused yet again but at the same time I just couldn’t find the energy to do it.

I had a strange urge just to curl up on the bed and go to sleep instead. My mind was so overloaded with the shocks and horrors of the last 24 hours that it just wanted to shut down.

As B’Elanna forced me to dress and follow her, I registered Angel’s shadowy figure in the living room. I knew that I should say something to him, but I just couldn’t think of anything worth saying, so I just followed B’Elanna as she led me to Tom.

It wasn’t until I saw the red-uniforms blocking the door that I was re-vitalized. An abrupt surge of anger cleared the last cobwebs from my brain and I marched forwards.

"Get out of my way." I ordered

"Sorry, Sir, we have orders not to let you in." One of them mumbled sheepishly, I vaguely remembered his face, but his name escaped me.

"I am the First Officer of this ship, how exactly do you intend to stop me entering, crewman?" I snarled

"The Captain’s orders were specific, Sir. We are empowered to arrest you if you do not desist." He said, gulping nervously.

"And how the hell will you manage to do that?" B’Elanna snarled dangerously, moving to my side.

The security officers shuffled uncertainly, obviously unwilling to take on a furious half-Klingon AND me.

"You’re in enough trouble already B’Elanna, don’t make things worse for yourself." The voice of the Captain warned as she and Tuvok appeared from the turbolift.

B’Elanna’s only response was to move closer to me in demonstration of where her loyalties lay.

As we all looked at each other in a bitter standoff, the door to the ambassadorial suite slid open and we all spun in shock as Tom appeared.

I had never seen him look worse, and given our history that was a damning thing to admit. He was as pale as a corpse, his blue eyes blood-shot from hours of crying, his eye cavities were so black above his razor sharp cheekbones that his whole face had the appearance of a skull. His beautiful hair was just short stubble that emphasised the abnormal thinness of his face.

"Tom" I whispered pleadingly, lovingly

He turned and looked at me with the dead eyes of a complete stranger.

"I have nothing to say to you, Chakotay and you have nothing to say that can possibly be of interest to me." He said with cold, cutting precision.

"I love you, Tom," I said urgently

His face didn’t change. If anything his gaze became even more remote.

His blank expression terrified me. Frantically I tried to reassure him.

"Angel knows about us now. He knows about the wedding. I still love you, Tom. It’s you I want to be with. Nothing has changed."

From the corner of my eye I saw Kathryn and Tuvok exchange bemused looks. I realised with anger that they had evidently thought my decision would be different.

For a long time, Tom examined my face with his icy blue eyes, weighing up my words, judging me for the honesty of my statement and then he nodded reluctantly.

"I believe you," he said quietly, unemotionally.

I rushed towards the door only to be stopped by his sudden upraised palm, a gesture of complete denial. Stopping in confusion I let him speak.

"But it’s too late," he said coldly

"No, baby, you’re wrong. It’s not too late. I love you. I want to be with you. That’s all that matters. I love you, Tom." I swore fervently, pouring all my soul into my words.

He looked at me dispassionately and then shrugged.

"I don’t care," he replied, and stepped back so that the door slid shut in my face.

Part 39

HARRY

As the door closed behind him, Tom collapsed like a marionette that had abruptly had its strings cut.

Wincing at the loud crack as his knees hit the floor; I rushed forward and dropped to his side, hugging him fiercely as he rocked in misery.

"Why did you do it, Tom?" I asked him in bewilderment, having heard and honestly believed Chakotay's declaration of love.

For a long time Tom didn't answer, he just leaned into the comfort of my arms as though he wanted to be absorbed right into the warmth of my body.

"I can't take it anymore, Haz," he finally whispered "I can't survive being left again."

"But why are you so sure that he will leave you?" I asked in confusion, conveniently forgetting that I had agreed with his reasoning earlier.

"The tattoo," Tom replied quietly

"I don't understand."

"Chakotay told me Angel was living on Dorvan with his family. I know that Angel didn't have the tattoo when Chakotay last saw him so that means it was Chakotay's family that did it for him."

"And that means?" I asked, bemused by Tom's line of thought

"It means they have accepted Angel as being Chakotay's life partner."

"But Chakotay is a grown man, he isn't bound by his family's wishes. Sure they might be upset if he returns with you instead of Angel, but that's his choice, not theirs."

"Don't you think that Chakotay will have enough problems reconciling his choice without his whole family hating me?" Tom whispered. "I remember what it's like to be hated by everyone. I can't deal with it again. I won't cope and Chakotay will resent me and then he'll leave me again. He always leaves me when we have problems."

I knew that Tom's logic was flawed, but I could also see it from his point of view. I doubted that Chakotay would leave him under the circumstances, but I could see that Tom wouldn't be able to deal with being ostracized.

"You don't have to live on Dorvan, Tom. There's a whole galaxy of planets to choose from. You might even want to stay in Starfleet."

"Sure, Haz, Starfleet always gives jobs to ex-criminals with a record of suicide attempts." Tom said bitterly. "They might offer Chakotay a job, but not me, not now."

I feared Tom was correct. While his record on Voyager was excellent, not unblemished but then none of us had behaved perfectly for the last six and a half years, I doubted he would pass even the first stage of a Starfleet psyche evaluation.

"Anyway, there's always the chance I'll have to go back to Auckland." Tom muttered sadly

"No way, Tom." I spluttered angrily, "We have already received notification that the Maquis are going to be pardoned. They can hardly hold your old sentence against you and let the others go."

Then I had a sudden thought.

"What did your father's letter say?" I asked curiously, I knew that there had been a letter for Tom in the stack of messages from Angel's ship.

"I don't know, I haven't read it" Tom confessed

"Why the hell not, Tom?"

"I was too scared" he whispered "I couldn't handle any more bad news today."

I could understand that, although after his father's last transmission I was positive he had nothing to worry about.

"How about I read it first Tom and check it's okay?"

Tom looked up at me gratefully

"Would you, Haz? And - and if it's bad, don't tell me, okay? Just wipe it and don't mention it again." He said sadly

"Sure, Tom." I replied, "Why don't you go and lie down again while I do that?"

His sad, exhausted eyes met mine for a moment and I knew that he understood what I was really saying, that I wasn't going to take my eyes off him unless I knew he was safely out of harms way.

"Okay, Haz" he said in defeat and shuffled to the bedroom, his limp more pronounced because of his sheer exhaustion.

Sadly I watched him go, more concerned by his immediate agreement than anything we had talked about, not relaxing until I saw him climb under the bedcovers, then I turned to the terminal and accessed his letter.

(Three weeks later)

KATHRYN

The ship was a veritable hive of activity. People were scurrying everywhere in their frenetic preparations for the journey home. There was a strange mixed atmosphere of excited happiness and dread. Enough rumors had flown in the last three weeks to make everyone sit back and take stock of their own situations.

Since the successful installation of the new warp drive, the return home had become a real possibility and tangled inexorably with the excitement was a fair amount of worry. People had made new relationships over the years; a lot of people were going back to a similar scenario to that which had faced Chakotay. It had been vividly brought home to everyone that our triumphant return would bring as much unhappiness to our loved ones as relief.

Even those people, like Sam, who had remained faithful, realised that they had grown and changed into new people who might no longer fit in with their previous lives. Our experiences in the Delta Quadrant had inevitably changed us all. We were no longer the same people who had set foot on Voyager's maiden voyage all those years previously.

The Starfleet crew were unsure of their future. Despite my initial desire to keep the ship running under strict Starfleet rules and regs, inevitably rules had been bent and broken in our effort to survive so many years alone in space. The thought of being re-assigned onto other more-regulation ships, now we had forged this close-knit community, was more than a lot of people could face.

Then there was Seven. She was dreading reaching Earth. All of B'Elanna's reassurances were of no avail. Seven was positive that the Starfleet scientists would insist on examining her Borg implants and that the Hansens would be appalled to discover that their only grandchild was a Borg drone. B'Elanna had told me that they would probably disembark at Deep Space 9 and go to the Klingon homeworld instead.

My family was already breaking up and we hadn't even reached the

Alpha Quadrant yet.

At least Admiral Paris had the foresight to send us official notification of the intended pardon for the Maquis members of my crew. That, at least, was one worry that we could put aside.

Harry had also informed me that Tom's sentence had been commuted into time served. He had apparently read Tom's personal letter from his father. The Admiral had used the letter in an attempt to build bridges with Tom, he was eager to take Tom back into the family. That, at least, was a crumb of comfort for the pilot.

I still was unsure of why Tom had chosen to turn Chakotay away. I was uncertain whether his decision was right or wrong and I had decided that it was not my business to pry any further. Tuvok had kept me informed of the progress of his counseling sessions but had only told me the bare minimum necessary for me to know in my role as the Captain. What other secrets he discovered remained private between him and Tom.

My actions in Tom and Chakotay's relationship had been unforgivable. This close to a way home, I could finally admit to myself that the pressure of being Voyager's captain and responsible for so many lives for so long had simply become too much to bear.

Nobody should be expected to carry the burden I had for so long. No Starfleet Captain had ever had to face the terrible decisions that I had made without any support. Even the legendary five-year mission of the original Enterprise had been within communications range of Starfleet headquarters.

It was not surprising that I had finally allowed my emotions to overcome my training. It wasn't an excuse, but it was an explanation. Besides, my actions had not turned out to be completely wrong. Admittedly, if I had never interfered Tom and Chakotay would have been married and Tom would not have had his breakdown.

On the other hand, if I hadn't suggested the delay, Tom wouldn't have bought a wedding ring on Y'ndoria and so we would have never learnt about the V'rakn'hal. Admiral Paris's son would have been returned to him sounder in mind, but in a wheelchair.

Like Tuvok said, things weren't black and white, they were various shades of grey.

As for Chakotay, he was back on duty. Angel had moved into one of the guest quarters and was obviously biding his time, sure that Chakotay would eventually come back to him. It was pathetic really. Although I was concerned for Tom's emotional state, his proud rejection of Chakotay was far more admirable in my opinion than the way Angel was obviously content to accept ultimately being Chakotay's second choice.

In the meantime, though, Angel was being invaluable in the preparation of Voyager for the journey home. He had a brilliant scientific mind; quickly adapting his technology to fit in with the Borg adaptations that had been installed during our long voyage.

He even had fitted in well with the crew. Despite the general antipathy towards Chakotay, which admittedly was lessening as people started to empathize with his position, Angel's stunning beauty quickly overcame almost all hostility.

He was almost Borg-like in his ability to neutralize all resistance to his charm. And of course it helped that he had brought us a way home.

The only real fly in the ointment was that I didn't have a good enough pilot for the journey through the wormhole. The only member of the crew with the necessary skill to successfully navigate it was Tom and there was no way I was going to let him do it.

Quite apart from the immense pressure to perform that would be heaped on his fragile shoulders, I couldn't risk the lives of the crew on a pilot with a death wish. I knew that he would do his best, would never intentionally put our lives at risk, but then again Tuvok had confirmed to me that Tom's suicide attempt had been done in a fugue, it had been a virtually subconscious reaction to his grief. There was no guarantee that he wouldn't re-lapse under the stress of the moment.

It seemed so unfair, that after his many daring exploits at Voyager's helm, he would be denied the honor of finally guiding her home.

  Go to Part 40