ANGEL
43-45/60
Part 43
CHAKOTAY
I hurriedly disengaged
Angel’s arms, surprised by how uncomfortable I felt in his innocent embrace.
The Doctor coughed
discretely and I realised that Tom was waking up. I was grateful that Angel
instantly slipped out of Sickbay to leave us alone.
For a moment I
was terrified that Tom had seen Angel hugging me, and I coloured in guilty embarrassment
as I rushed to Tom’s side.
"Hi, babe"
I whispered as he blinked in confusion.
"I – I – how?
Where?" he gasped incoherently
"You’re safe,
babe. We’re home. We’re in the alpha quadrant. We’re home. In four days Voyager
will be at Deep Space 9. We’ve already sent sub-space messages to Starfleet
to announce our return, there will be a flotilla of ships soon, guiding us back
like a lost sheep." I grinned
"Home"
Tom repeated sadly, "How?"
"It was Seven,
Tom. She took the shuttle, she sent us home."
I saw him bite
his lip pensively
"I’m sorry.
It should have been me" He whispered
"NO, Tom,
Seven had lost B’Elanna and she didn’t want to go on. I understand that. I would
have felt the same if I had lost you. I love you, Tom Paris." I swore,
my voice infused with all the sincerity I could put into the words.
A shadow flickered
in his beautiful blue eyes
"Do you?"
He asked softly, "Do you really?"
"I swear,
Tom. I love you and I will never leave you."
He closed his eyes
as though in pain but then he spoke gently
"I believe
you."
TOM
It’s impossible
to describe how you feel when you wake up on the day after you have decided,
beyond doubt, that you will never have to face waking up again.
The combination
of disappointment and relief is unbearable. I was alive. Therefore I had failed
to launch the shuttle. However, I was alive, so therefore Voyager had survived
anyway. So Chakotay was alive. Which was always the important thing, after all.
Of course, finding
him wrapped around Angel was not exactly a surprise but it was a hell of a blow.
That was the moment
when I finally gave up all hope.
Okay, I’d been
pretty depressed before, admittedly. I had wanted to die. But it had been a
dramatic kind of "I will show you and the world how much I love you and
then die so you’ll feel guilty forever" wish.
At some level,
a part of me must have believed that it was all a mistake and that given enough
time, shown enough grief, Chakotay would come back to me.
As I woke in sickbay,
hearing Angel’s melodious voice saying
"I can’t wait
to get home to Dorvan with you, Chakotay."
I finally accepted
that it was over.
That was the moment
when my hitherto ignored self-protective mechanisms finally snapped back into
gear.
That was the moment
when I finally accepted that I actually, finally, hated Chakotay in equal measure
to my love.
I was finally ready
to let him go.
I just didn’t have
the energy for any more dramatic suicide attempts. I was too numb.
He finally noticed
I was awake and came over to me as Angel crept guiltily away, and yet again
he lied, said that he loved me.
We were back in
the AQ, four days from DS9 where he would leave me, and still he played with
me, still he fucked with my head.
I swear, if I had
had a phaser in my hands at that moment I would have killed us both.
But then he touched
me, and all I could think of was how good he felt, how wonderful it would be
to be able to fool myself for just a little longer.
So I played the
game. I knew the rules now.
"I believe
you," I lied.
CHAKOTAY
My heart turned
an ecstatic summersault when he said, "I believe you". Suddenly I
was sure that everything would be all right.
Sure we had had
our problems, but as long as Tom still loved me, still believed in me, we had
the chance to put everything right.
"How are you
feeling, babe? Are you okay to get up?" I asked solicitously
Tom moved gingerly,
testing his body’s reactions to the idea of moving.
"I’m fine,
Chak, a little sore but fine." He admitted
"Are you well
enough to leave sickbay?" I asked
"Yeah. Find
me some clothes Chak. I just want to send a message home first, if that’s okay."
"Sure, Tom"
I said in surprise, glad that he was obviously coming to terms with the fact
that we were back in the Alpha Quadrant. I wondered whether Admiral Paris would
intervene on Tom’s behalf and prevent Tuvok’s recommendations being acted upon.
Perhaps Tom’s father would help us both.
"I really
think that Tom should stay a while longer," The Doctor said pompously to
me as we watched Tom stagger out of bed and limp slowly to the comm. system
"I really
think you should butt out, Doctor" I hissed back, satisfied by his look
of shock
Tom finally turned
away from the console and began to stiffly pull on the clothes I had put on
his bed.
"Come on,
Tom" I ordered softly, "Come home with me."
Tom looked at me
doubtfully for a long time before he suddenly shrugged and limped painfully
until he stood unsteadily at my side.
As he swayed, I
was assailed by doubts, perhaps the Doctor was right. Tom didn’t look capable
of walking to the end of the room, let alone our quarters.
"Can you walk,
Tom?" I asked in concern
He considered my
question for a long time before shaking his head sadly. "I don’t think
so" he whispered and started to sink back down onto the bed.
I had been dreaming
of taking him home again for four weeks. There was no way that I would walk
out of sickbay now, leaving him alone again. I swiftly moved forward and swept
him up into my arms, my heart jumping a little as memories assailed me of how
many times I had held Tom’s vulnerable body in this way.
Ignoring the Doctor’s
protests I strode swiftly out of sickbay with my precious burden. Tom wrapped
his arms around me tightly and nuzzled my neck and thus we arrived back at our
quarters.
I had done my best
to repair the damage that Tom had inflicted on the day Angel arrived. His picture
was back on the wall in a new frame; his vids were back on a mended shelf. Our
quarters looked again as they had the day of our intended wedding.
Without hesitation
I carried Tom through into the bedroom and deposited him gently onto the bed.
As I began to remove his clothes he murmured in soft argument, so I silenced
his protest with a deep kiss.
For a moment he
resisted and then with an audible sigh, he arched against me and opened his
lips to mine. I felt his sweet tongue invade my mouth and my cock leapt to attention
so quickly that I could feel the seams of my uniform pants straining with the
sudden pressure.
"Oh, Babe,
Babe, I’ve missed you so" I gasped as I lay down on top of him, rubbing
my body against his, feeling the delicious friction as our mutual erections
battled against the fabric of our pants.
As his shirt fell
open under my eager fingers, his pale muscular chest was revealed; his nipples
like red scars against his white perfection. One by one I suckled on them, nipping
and sucking until they were taut and proud.
Other than his
occasional moans of desire, Tom was strangely silent, tears sliding through
his tightly closed eyelids.
"Are you okay,
babe? Do you want me to stop?" I asked desperately, dreading his answer
"No, No Chak,
please, please don’t stop. I want this. I want you!" He gasped although
there was no joy in his voice at the admission.
Deciding that I
was lucky he would even give me the chance to try to make things up to him and
that it was unsurprising that he was unprepared to commit himself further at
this stage, I began to fumble with his trousers to release his hot eager cock.
I slid down to
lick the weeping head and his whole body jerked in response.
"Oho"
he moaned and I tasted his excitement as his pre-cum escaped onto my tongue.
I lapped at him, teasing into the slit, my hands kneading at his firm buttocks
and pulling his hips up so that his angle was better and then I swallowed him.
As I siphoned his
cock, I reached down and undid my own trousers, letting my erection burst free
in hungry anticipation. I slipped my right index finger into my mouth, feeling
his cock jump as I unwittingly teased it in my attempt to lubricate my finger
and then I gently began to tease at his opening.
"May I fuck
you, Tom?" I asked, although I don’t think I could have stopped then if
I had wanted to.
Tom didn’t answer;
he merely flipped over onto his hands and knees and wiggled his butt at me enticingly.
It was permission enough. I leant forwards and slowly licked between his butt
cheeks. He gasped at the sensation and I had to grab his hips with bruising
firmness to hold him as I delved between his cheeks, thrusting my tongue into
his sweet ass.
Tom’s hands gave
way and his head crashed down into the pillow as usual, leaving his unprotected
butt vulnerable to my questing tongue. Within moments he was shuddering and
panting desperately under my wet caresses.
Then I raised my
head, shuffled forward until my cock was level with his glistening anus and
I slowly slid into his velveteen depths. I could feel his muscles relaxing,
adapting to my entrance, and accommodating my presence.
As my balls finally
slapped his, I knew that I had finally come home.
"Oh Tom, oh
babe, I love you so much" I cried as I began to slide slowly up and down
his hot passage.
His only reply
was a whimper before he forcibly thrust his hips backward to impale himself
on me. I tried desperately to keep the rhythm slow and steady but he fought
me all the way, taking control, dominating our coupling by thrusting back and
forth greedily.
I gave up all pretence
of control and let him set the pace, letting him ‘top from the bottom’. He had
never once, in our whole relationship, taken such an aggressive position. But
now his hungry ass raped me, taking everything I had to give and then more.
It was frightening
and sometimes painful but above all was one of the most erotic situations I
had ever been in.
When I came, it
was as though I erupted from the inside and I exploded into his ass. Still his
muscles clenched me feverishly draining every last drop. I collapsed in exhaustion
onto his back and my weight flattened him under me.
With my last conscious
thought, I rolled onto my side and brought him into my arms, pulling him tightly
to me. For a moment I was aware of something being wrong, something out of place,
but then exhaustion overwhelmed me and I sank into oblivion.
TOM
For a moment I
resisted Chakotay’s attempt to seduce me, and then I accepted that if I had
no intention of going through with it I shouldn’t have let him carry me from
Sickbay.
By the time his
soft lips had ravaged my nipples, there was no point in pretending that I wasn’t
aroused. My whole body was screaming for his touch.
Sure, I knew that
it was just my last pathetic chance to have his body touch mine. I knew I should
have more pride. I knew he was only using me. But still, I arched under his
expert ministrations and decided that if this was going to be my last memory
of Chakotay, it could at least be a good one.
But as he finally
penetrated me, and I gasped with anticipation of my blessed release in his arms,
all I could think of was the fact that he was planning on leaving me.
I desperately tried
to distract my thoughts, thrusting back at him, trying to loose myself in the
pure animalistic bliss. But I couldn’t escape the feelings of hurt, of worthlessness.
Finally, in this
last desperate act, I sullied our relationship. I ruined the only connection
that Chakotay and I had managed to keep pure.
As he collapsed,
spent and exhausted, I sagged in despair in his embrace, aware for the first
time in my life of the agonising ball-aching pain of an unsatisfied erection.
I, who had once
come at the mere whisper of his fingers on my body, had lost even the ability
to find sexual release in Chakotay’s arms.
In the end, my
body had betrayed me too.
CHAKOTAY
I slept soundly,
for the first time in weeks. Tom was back.
Everything would
be fine.
I knew that there
were still issues to be resolved. That I still had to spirit him off Voyager
before that Vulcan bastard handed him over to Starfleet medical, unless Tom’s
father came through for us.
I knew that there
would be problems on Dorvan, even though Angel would smooth our path by publicly
accepting my decision.
I was also aware
that our future relationship wouldn’t be smooth sailing. It would take Tom a
long time to truly believe in me again. I had betrayed him so many times that
I couldn’t fault him for his doubts. But his ever-forgiving spirit blessed me.
I knew that I didn’t deserve another chance, but as long as he could still find
it in him to forgive me, we had a real chance of making this work.
"I love you
Tom" I mumbled into his soft shoulder, nuzzling into his spongy depths.
That’s when I opened
my eyes and discovered that "Tom" was actually a pillow.
I didn’t panic
straight away; I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom door. I admit that
my heart was in my throat as I pushed the door open, for a minute I could actually
picture him lying there on the floor in a pool of blood.
The bathroom was
empty.
Feeling both relieved
and scared I rushed to the living area, only to find it also deserted.
Frantically I ran
my head over our encounter. Our sex had been hot and passionate. Tom had been
as eager as I had, perhaps more so. I knew I hadn’t hurt him, at least not any
more than normal.
But there had been
something, something that had seemed wrong…
And then it came
to me. The thing I had so absently noticed as I fell asleep.
Tom hadn’t come.
Oh Spirits, I’d
been so selfish. I’d fallen asleep not even realising he was unsatisfied. No
wonder he had gone off in a temper. I had to go and find him and apologise,
make things right.
"Computer,
location of Lieutenant Paris"
"Lieutenant
Paris is not on board."
"What?"
I screamed in panicked disbelief
"Lieutenant
Paris is not on board" the computer repeated stupidly
"Chakotay
to Captain Janeway" I snapped
After a few minutes,
Kathryn’s sleepy and decidedly annoyed voice replied
"What is it
Commander?"
"The computer
says Tom is not on board"
"That’s correct"
She replied calmly
"Where the
fuck is he?" I yelled
For a second there
was silence, as though she was mentally debating whether to call me on my profanity
and then with a sigh she quietly admitted
"Admiral Paris
sent a private yacht at Tom’s request. She arrived two hours ago and Tom left
Voyager to return directly to Earth."
Part 44
CHAKOTAY
"He can’t
have gone far, there’s still time to catch up with him." I argued, "It
will take him over a week to get to Earth. We’re still three days from DS9."
Then I was struck
for the first time by the impossibility of the situation. Suddenly I was sure
that they were lying to me. Tom hadn’t left the ship at all. This was just an
elaborate plot to keep us apart. Yet again Kathryn and Tuvok were plotting against
us.
"Just a minute. How the hell did Tom’s father get a ship to us so quickly?"
I asked suspiciously, looking around the ready room as though I expected them
to suddenly produce Tom from wherever they had hidden him.
"The Admiral
apparently had a ship waiting near our expected exit point in the hope that
the artificial worm hole would be successful. It was stationed on a remote moon
base, just six hours from Voyager’s position when Tom sent his message home."
Kathryn explained reasonably.
I blinked at her
slowly, reluctantly absorbing her words. There was no reason to believe that
she was lying except for my own wish to deny the facts. I still didn’t understand
how the yacht had managed to reach us so quickly. Tom couldn’t possibly have
left our quarters before 0200 and he had reportedly left Voyager by 0530.
Then, understanding
kicked me with a heart-crushing, stomach-churning sickening wave of pain, I
realised that Tom must have requested the ship to come and get him while we
were still in sickbay.
That had obviously
been the purpose of the message he had sent. It was the only way in which his
father’s ship would have had time to arrive when it did. He had come home with
me to our quarters already planning to sneak off in the middle of the night,
knowing all the time that we were making love that he would be gone by the time
I woke up.
For a moment I
actually hated him.
How could he have
done this to me?
And why the hell
wouldn’t he? My conscience replied.
I was sure that
Tom hadn’t left me because he didn’t love me, I simply couldn’t bear to believe
that he had finally decided that enough was enough. Surely he’d left because
he still didn’t trust me. That was understandable. Maybe it was a test. Perhaps
he was just making sure that I cared enough to follow him.
Oh Spirits, we
were still trapped in the same vicious circle of mutual distrust, always testing
each other because we never actually sat down and TALKED.
"And you just
let him go?" I accused bitterly; my own self-accusation thrust outwards
as a general spiteful barb.
Kathryn stiffened
at my tone
"What did
you want me to do Chakotay? Refuse to let the son of Admiral Owen Paris get
on his father’s own ship? Besides, Tom needs help; medical help. The sooner
he is back on Earth the sooner he will get the help he needs."
"He doesn’t
need medical help." I roared furiously across the ready room and everybody
flinched except the Captain.
"No? You surprise
me, Commander. Since you are the primary cause of his nervous breakdown I would
have thought you’d be the first person to want him to be cured." She snapped
angrily
I swallowed painfully
against the bitter bile that her words induced.
"He hasn’t
had a breakdown, he’s just confused. He doesn’t need to be ‘cured’, he just
needs to know that I love him." I replied stiffly
"Considering
the amount of suffering that your relationship has caused Tom, it is illogical
to assume that you have the ability to put things right." Tuvok sniffed
"In my opinion, Tom would be better off if he never sees you again and
I have advised as much in my report to his father."
I had to clench
my fists to prevent myself wiping the superior look off his face. Between the
poison that Kathryn had whispered in my ears and Tuvok's so-called counseling
of Tom, it was amazing that either of us had survived with our sanity intact.
They were a class act these two. The smug, self-opinionated pair belonged together;
they certainly deserved each other.
I turned to Angel
who had quietly accompanied me to my confrontation with the Captain and Tuvok.
"Get your
ship prepped for take-off, we’re going after him." I snapped decisively
"You can’t
do that, Chakotay!" Kathryn said in surprised alarm
"Who the hell
is going to stop me?" I snarled dangerously
"She’s right,"
Angel said softly and I turned on him in furious dismay at his evident betrayal
"If you won’t
help me, Angel, I’ll take your bloody ship and go by myself."
Angel’s face twisted
in misery at my words.
"I didn’t
say I wouldn’t help you, Chak. It’s just that the Captain is right. You have
responsibilities here that you can’t just turn your back on. What about your
crew?" He reminded me apologetically.
As the implications
of his words sank in I cursed. He was right. No matter that my blood was coursing
through my veins with the need to chase after Tom, I had to stay with Voyager
until we reached DS9. I had an obligation to make sure that my Maquis crew was
safe and free before I set off on my personal quest.
I knew that we
had received notification that our Maquis activities had been pardoned, but
I wouldn’t put it past Starfleet to have only said that to make us walk meekly
back into a trap.
Okay, I didn’t
really believe it, only with the peculiar behavior of Kathryn and Tuvok lately
I had begun to doubt my own perceptions of Starfleet and her officers.
Furthermore, I
was concerned at the actions of Admiral Paris. While I had been grateful to
learn that he had sanctioned Angel’s rescue attempt; I had bitter reservations
about his apparent attempt to reconcile with his son. The more I considered
it, in comparison to the miserable childhood memories that Tom had shared with
me, the more I was uncertain whether even a penitent Admiral would be able to
deal with Tom’s current fragility.
The only thing
that I was certain of was that Tom would be safe at least in his father’s hands.
Perhaps he’d be ‘safe’ in a ward at Starfleet medical, but at least he would
be unable to harm himself until I had a chance to rescue him.
Now that Tom was
in the relative safety of his father’s hands, I had no excuse to abandon the
people who had followed me trustingly for so many years. I would have to remain
on Voyager until she docked at Deep Space 9.
With an audible
sigh, I forced my body to relax.
"You’re right,
Angel, I’m sorry. Of course you’re right. I can wait another few days. Three
days won’t make much difference." I said, hoping that my optimistic words
were correct.
Surely Tom would
give me that much time before he gave up on the hope that I was following.
TOM
When I had logged
on to my father’s private comm link, using my unique personal code, I had been
surprised at the automated message that had immediately flashed back advising
me that his own ship was waiting nearby to take me off Voyager and speed me
home.
I doubted that
he was on board himself, the great Admiral Owen Paris would hardly have sat
patiently on a remote moon for over a month in the off chance that his barely
lamented fuck-up son would be returned to the fold.
However, I was
relieved at his thoughtfulness regardless, even if the ship would be manned
by a group of his anonymous ass-licking toadies. At least I had a way to escape
before DS9, before I had to witness Chakotay and Angel departing together for
Dorvan.
If nothing else,
it would make things easier for Chakotay. He wouldn’t have to face leaving me
after all. I would let him off the hook gracefully. He would be able to tell
himself that I had chosen to leave him and he could go with a clear conscience.
There was no point
in both of us being destroyed.
Right back at the
beginning of our relationship, even before my accident, I had made him a promise
that I would let him go without recriminations or regrets. I was going to make
good on that promise now. Just because Chakotay was a liar was no excuse for
me to prove myself one too.
I should have spent
those six hours saying goodbye to Harry, my best and only true friend now B’Elanna
had died. Instead I used the knowledge of my imminent escape to give me the
courage to spend that precious time with Chakotay.
Of course I felt
guilty. Not telling him was almost as bad as lying to him. But then again, since
he had made a virtual career out of lying to me, it was only fair that I could
at least keep a secret from him.
As I stole quietly
out of his room, like a thief in the night, knowing that I would never see him
again, I was filled with a calm acceptance of my fate. I wasn’t running away,
I was doing the noble thing.
Except that’s a
big fat lie.
Because, deep inside,
in a place so hidden that I could almost pretend it didn’t exist, lurked a secret
desperate hope that he would come after me.
Even after everything
we had been through, even after I had heard Angel confirm that Chakotay would
abandon me, still there was this desperate need to believe that it was all a
mistake and that he loved me after all.
Even self-delusion
was preferable to a life without hope.
And if he didn’t,
as I realistically knew he wouldn’t, well there would be ample opportunity soon
to escape my pain.
My father, the
Admiral, would no more agree to me receiving counseling than he would willingly
fart in public.
I was a Paris.
A Paris did not have nervous breakdowns. A Paris only visited a doctor if they
were seriously injured. A Paris was never put on suicide watch because a Paris
would never do anything so cowardly as take his own life.
My father would
accept my assurances that Tuvok’s reports of my failure to deal with Chakotay’s
rejection were wild exaggeration because he would be unable to cope with the
truth. My father would rather die than admit that he had a son so pathetic that
he couldn’t survive being left by his lover.
Having risked his
own pride by reaching out and inviting me back like the prodigal I was, he would
be incapable of imagining that I would prove myself unworthy of the second chance.
He would keep a
suspicious eye on me for a day or two, maybe, while he busily convinced himself
that I was fine and then he would leave me alone and I would finally get the
opportunity to get some peace.
If Chakotay didn’t
come after me, and to be honest, why the hell would he? Then I would finally
finish what I had started.
So I sat in the
luxurious quarters usually reserved for my father and I said the necessary pleasantries
to the few crewmembers that dared to disturb me.
As the days passed
and we sped ever nearer to Earth, I was increasingly aware that Chakotay had
not followed me. If he had taken Angel’s ship, which was the only way he could
have pursued me, he would have caught me by now. The Heran warp-drive made even
my father’s top of the range ship seem like a shuttle in comparison.
So I gave in to
my overwhelming depression even though I was careful to hide it from the bright
eyes of my father’s crew.
Using the excuse
of my limp I avoided leaving my quarters, even having my meals delivered to
me. My father had scorned replicators in favour of a galley when he had chosen
the specifications of his private yacht.
I graciously thanked
them when they delivered my food and then scraped it untouched into the disposal
unit when they left.
It was important
to create the illusion that everything was fine and there was no point feeling
guilty about wasting their carefully prepared meals since eating them would
be as much of a waste anyway.
It wasn’t as if
I planned on waiting until I starved to death.
Part 45
TOM
In the event, three
days was enough to make my already abused body decide to give up the ghost,
as it were.
By the third day
I was vaguely aware of an increasing lethargy and the fact that my quarters
were becoming increasingly uncomfortable and hot. But it wasn't until the fourth
morning that I found myself unable to even get out of bed to answer the insistent
chime at my door.
My eyelids were
too heavy to open, my limbs no more responsive than during my paralysis. As
though from a great distance I heard a low gasp, followed by hurried footsteps
retreating and then returning with companions.
"He's in a
fever" I heard a voice say
"Oh shit,
I think he's dying" came a flustered rejoinder
I think I smiled
at the confirmation that it was all over. I wouldn't even have to face the Admiral
now. He would be saved the embarrassment of facing his fuck-up of a son, after
all.
I let the darkness
descend over me and faded into dreams, wondering vaguely whether there was an
afterlife and if so, what would hell be like.
CHAKOTAY
By the time Voyager
reached Deep Space 9, my prediction to Tom had come true. A myriad of ships
surrounded us, guiding us home in glory. The atmosphere on Voyager was electric.
Despite my underlying
fear for Tom and my worry at the delay, I could not escape the general excitement
completely. The overall enthusiasm was infectious. Besides, I had my own role
as counselor to play for those crewmembers that were facing our return with
an equal measure of hope and dread.
Angel was invaluable
to me during this time. He fussed over me like a mother hen. Checking I was
eating and sleeping, repeatedly assuring me that as soon as everyone was settled
we would go post-haste to Earth.
Only I was beginning
to wonder whether I should actually go.
Angel's complete
acceptance of my choice had been humbling. His noble offer to rush me to Earth
to fetch Tom was so unexpected that I found myself truly liking him for the
first time ever.
Strange that, to
admit that I had never really liked him before. In fact, considering the fact
that my relationship with Tom had convinced me that I had never really loved
Angel either, I was bewildered as to exactly why I had got involved with the
Heran in the first place.
And as shameful
as it was to finally admit it to myself, the answer was simply lust. For all
my pretense at spirituality and my pretentious lectures on the sanctity of my
promises, the sad sorry truth was that as far as Angel was concerned I had always
done all of my thinking with my balls.
Some bloody Shaman
I had turned out to be.
I think that it
was this realization that made me finally turn back to my beliefs for guidance.
I was cast adrift in a sea of uncertainty, I couldn't see past chasing after
Tom, reclaiming him, losing him again and so on ad infinitum.
Our spiral of hurt
and reconciliation would continue until we were both destroyed.
It was time to
stop listening to my own doubts, not to mention the interference of others.
Unless I could find clarity of vision, unless I could find a new path to walk,
there was no point in following Tom after all.
It was time to
seek the guidance of my spiritual guide and this time I wouldn't just hear what
I wanted to hear, I would finally seek the truth.
TOM
I was in a clearing
in a vast dense forest.
Although I had
no idea how I had got there, I figured that this meant I was probably dead.
I wasn't frightened just somewhat bewildered by the peaceful scene. I hadn't
had enough spiritual upbringing to have a complete hell and brimstone version
of the afterlife in my head, but I think I had always imagined something like
B'Elanna's Barge of the Dead.
I looked around
the deserted clearing, expecting to see the ghosts of all the people who I had
wronged. There was no one, no accusing fingers, no angry voices, I was alone.
Alone. It sank
in slowly and then I began to laugh hysterically. Of course, hell for me was
this, being alone, always being alone.
I sank to my knees
and began to cry piteously. I barely heard the rustle of feathers in the branches
above me, but then I was struck on the head by a particularly large twig. Looking
up in annoyance I saw a splendid bird. It was like the picture of an Eagle that
I had once seen on a vid, only its coloration was that of fiery red-gold.
Its bright eyes
blinked at me knowingly. Rubbing my sore forehead I cursed at it furiously
"Damn stupid
bird, bet you did that on purpose"
When it replied,
I nearly fainted.
"Well I had
to do something to get your attention, Tom Paris."
The words didn't
come from its beak, but simply arrived inside my head. So I figured that I was
probably not dead after all, I was dreaming, or I had finally gone insane, or
maybe it was my fever.
"You're not
real" I told the bird derisively.
"I'm as real
as you want me to be, Tom" The bird replied kindly "I live inside
your heart where all dreams are possible."
"So who are
you? Where am I? What is this place." I asked, gesturing around myself.
"I am your
spirit guide, Tom. This place is the beginning of your vision quest."
I laughed in complete
astonishment. Shit, the bird obviously had me confused with Chakotay!
"Wrong Tribe"
I mocked "I don't believe in this, don't believe in you."
"Then why
did you choose to come here?" The bird enquired in confusion
"I didn't
choose to come here" I spat
"You prepared
yourself, Tom. You threw away your past, you let go of your preconceptions,
you gave up your old persona, you fasted your body to allow your soul to be
fed."
"But...I -
I - oh, no you don't understand, I just wanted to die" I replied in confusion
"You still
may, Tom, if you choose to. But first I think we should talk."
Fuck, I thought
desperately, now I had a bloody bird as a counselor. Mind you, it couldn't be
worse than Tuvok, I reminded myself and the thought actually made me laugh.
I looked up at
the bird with a wry smile, this was my fantasy, and I may as well play it through
to the end
"So what are
you? Some kind of Eagle?"
"I am Passamaquoddy,
the Thunderbird" the bird preened, ruffling it's chest feathers in pride
"What the
hell's a Thunderbird?" I asked rudely
"When the
world was new, before people even had tamed fire, I walked as a man. Then in
my quest to discover the secrets of the elements, the answer to the storms,
I journeyed further than anyone had ever been before. But I couldn't see the
answer to my questions, I was unable to grasp the new truths I discovered, I
was too bound by the weight of my own past.
"So the spirits
broke my body, pounded it until it was crushed and then I was molded into a
new shape, I was given wings and I became the Thunderbird."
"Like a phoenix"
I muttered, figuring that was the snippet of folklore my diseased brain had
dragged up to create this fantasy figure.
"Whatever.
It's the same legend. Out of destruction comes hope; out of the death of the
past comes rebirth. That is your choice Tom, to die eternally or be reborn.
"It's too
late for anything else. Your body is ravaged by fever, your mind is splintered
and shattered, your soul has been crushed. Only you can accept your new wings
and become the Thunderbird."
I was amazed at
the inventiveness of my own insanity. Wow!
"So why are
you here?" I asked, intrigued despite myself.
"In a far
off land, a great Shaman is reaching out to you, Tom, but the distance is too
far and his magic is too weak."
"And his communication
system is off-line" I snapped sarcastically
The Thunderbird
blinked in obvious annoyance.
"Why do you
always insist on blaming others for your own failures, Tom?" Passamaquoddy
asked
I blinked in astonishment.
Even my own creation was blaming me for Chakotay's betrayal now.
"He doesn't
love me." I hissed, "He doesn't give a damn about me."
"You know
that is not true." The bird snapped waspishly, sounding ridiculously like
the Doctor.
"He doesn't
love me enough" I amended sheepishly
"Perhaps,
but he is only human. Besides his spirit is earthbound, he travels the spirit
plain on four-legs, close to the earth, unable to see the glory of the heavens.
You can soar Tom, you have wings. Instead of letting him crush you down, why
don't you raise him up?"
For a moment I
considered the bird's advice. Wondering for the first time why I had always
meekly accepted Chakotay's treatment of me. Why the hell hadn't I fought harder
myself? Then I remembered Angel and my sudden flare of spirit deflated like
a pricked balloon.
"He has Angel,
he doesn't need me."
"The Thunderbird
fights for what he wants, he scatters his enemies, he does not slink away like
a thief in the night. Your spirit is not that of the coyote, Tom, stop acting
like one" The bird scolded
"What's the
point in fighting for him? He will just leave me again. He always leaves me.
I can’t deal with any more pain."
"The soul
would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears. Without experiencing sadness
you cannot appreciate joy. When you are together it is the most wonderful thing
you can imagine, isn’t it?"
"What’s the
point if it’s only until he leaves me again?"
"He leaves
you because you let him go. Think about it Tom. Every single time that your
relationship fell apart, you had the chance to step in and stop it. You were
too proud, too hurt to make him stop and listen. If you had talked to him the
misunderstandings would not have happened." Passamaquoddy said bluntly
"That's true
of Chakotay too. He could have stopped. He could have talked. It was his fault
as much as mine." I sulked
"That's true.
Perhaps he isn't worth loving after all." The bird commented wryly.
"He is my
life." I whispered "Loving him isn't a choice. It's who I am."
"Then fight
for your life. Put on your wings. Be the Thunderbird Tom. Go back and take what
has been denied you."
"What if he
laughs at me? What if he hates me? What if he still chooses Angel?"
"Then you
will be no worse off than you are now, Tom and at least you will know that you
didn't simply give in. There is no humiliation in defeat, only in cowardice."
"You think
I've been a coward?" I asked sadly
"I think you
have been hurt unbearably, you have had to go away and lick your wounds. But
like metal forged in the hottest fire, you are strong now, stronger than you
have ever been, strong enough to face this challenge."
"I don't feel
strong," I admitted
"I will be
with you, Tom. We will be strong together. We are the Thunderbird."
CHAKOTAY
I wandered through
the forest in search of my spirit guide, but she was strangely elusive. I was
not surprised that she was avoiding me, I had become a stranger in this holy
place.
I finally stumbled
into a clearing only to stop in surprise at the sight of an old Shaman sitting
on a rock beneath an overhanging branch. The old man was playing with a bright
red-gold eagle tail-feather.
"Father"
I whispered softly "Help me, advise me, please"
Kolopak looked
up at me with a wry smile. He lifted his hand so that the sun glinted off the
feather, colors like blazing fire rippled through its length and I was captivated.
"Beautiful,
isn’t it?" He said to me
"Yes it is"
I agreed, it was the colour of Tom’s hair.
"But then
you’ve always been a fool for beauty, haven’t you?" My father chided gently
"I’ve certainly
been a fool." I admitted "Help me to know how to put things right."
"My son, you
have brought this on yourself. Your greed has cost you everything."
"Greed? I
don’t understand."
"Sit here,
my son and listen to me for once:
A
long time ago, even before the time of the flood, the River provided food for
our people. Each year, at the end of summer, when the salmon came home to spawn,
the people would cast their cedar root nets into the water and get enough fish
for the winter to come.
One
day, a man came to fish for food for his family for the winter. He looked into
the river and found that many fish were coming home this year. He said thanks
to the spirit of the fish, for giving themselves as food for his family, and
cast his net into the river and waited. In time, he drew his nets in, and they
were full of fish, enough for his family for the whole year. He packed these
away into cedar bark baskets, and prepared to go home.
But
he looked into the river, and saw all those fish, and decided to cast his net
again. And he did so, and it again filled with fish, but this time, when he
pulled his net in, sticks, stumps and branches that filled the net, tore it
beyond repair. To his dismay, the fish on the shore and the fish in the cedar
bark baskets were also sticks and branches. He had no fish, his nets were ruined.
It
was then he looked up at the mountain, and saw the spirit protecting the tribe,
who told him that he had broken the faith with the river and with nature, by
taking more than he needed for himself. And this was the consequence."
My
father was quiet then, allowing his words to sink in.
"Then
in taking Tom to my heart I broke faith with the Spirits" I sighed.
I
had promised myself to listen to my vision and believe. I had not expected the
lesson to be so disappointing.
Kolopak
snorted impatiently at my words, sighing in exasperation at my apparent denseness.
"What
was the use of your Vision Quest? Have you never learnt the lessons of your
spirit guide? No wonder she told me that I needed to sort your head out for
you." He muttered furiously
"Wolves
choose their mates wisely and do not part until death, this makes the two spiritually
entwined. Angel was never your spiritual partner, my son, you knew this always
and yet you were unwilling to let him go. You allowed your greed to drive away
the only person who will ever make you whole. Tom is the other half of your
spirit, the keeper of your soul."
I
gaped in disbelief. Then it truly was Tom who belonged with me, as I had hoped,
as I had always truly known. Only I feared that my realisation had come too
late.
"I
have hurt him past endurance, father. He will not forgive me." I confessed
My father looked
down to his lap, where the beautiful feather lay, its delicate length ruffled
by the slight breeze.
"Passamaquoddy
can tame the winds alternating between calm and storms. Surely he can also shine
the light of his mind on your actions and illuminate these things with wisdom
and understanding. That is the Way of Wisdom." Kolopak muttered quietly.
I looked at him
in complete confusion.
"I don’t understand.
Who is Passamaquoddy? What has he got to do with Tom and me? What is it that
I have to do?"
In response my
father just smiled enigmatically
"You’ll understand
when the time is right" he promised and immediately my vision began to
fade around me.
I was thrust rudely
back into the real world, now certain that Tom was my true mate but without
a clue as to what my next course of action should be.