"SHOPPING"

by Morticia

A little play in  Mel's "The Deafiant Universe" sandpit

Complete AU  Pairings Garak/Bashir and Chakotay/Paris

~~~ 

Captain Bashir looked at Lore in annoyance.

"I told you I wanted the repairs done this week."

Lore twitched nervously, a lose wire sparking behind his left ear where the rubber had been torn by the edge of a singed brownie. Ensign Kira had decided that the warp core might double as a microwave and the resultant explosion had decimated most of engineering, killing both of Lore’s assistants and nearly decapitating him. Fortunately he hadn’t gotten round to filling in the Death in Service Benefit forms on them yet.

"I’m a little short staffed." He reminded the Captain. "Besides, there’s another problem."

"Which is?"

"We need a new Port Nacelle and the only second-hand ship salesman nearby is refusing to deal with me. He says he’ll only talk to the ‘Big Chief’"

Bashir preened happily, his chest puffing with importance. At least SOMEONE understood that he might be the Captain of a bucket of scrap, but he still WAS a Starfleet Captain.

"Very well, I’ll come and see him with you."

Lore rubbed his forehead as though deep in thought, but primarily to hide his smirk. This was something he couldn’t wait to see.

"It’s a two day trip there and back." He mentioned casually, seeing Captain Bashir stiffen and fall straight into his trap.

"I can’t leave Garak, we’re planning our wedding at the moment."

"Oh, I think you should take Dr Garak too. This guy is a bit of

a sucker for families and it’s probably a great place to pick up some ideas for your gift list. They have a Sears catalogue." He said glibly.

Julian’s eyes lit up at the thought of silk sheets and sheer negligees. He jumped to his feet decisively.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Sheesh, you would do anything to bump up your overtime, Lore."

Garak was equally excited, picking up Julian’s enthusiasm although he wasn’t sure whether the Vatican actually held shares in Sears; he couldn’t find the company on his Approved Suppliers List.

"So, tell me about this second-hand ship salesman. Is he honest?" Captain Bashir demanded as Lore flew them towards the outpost in his personal shuttle (for which he was charging 3 credits a kilometer plus tax).

"Honest? Hey his motto is "Deal with Honest Chak, You won’t come back."" Lore told them merrily.

Julian met Garak’s eyes worriedly. The motto wasn’t quite as comforting as he would have liked.

"Not wishing to be uncharitable, since it is very unfair to make generalizations " Garak mumbled humbly "I thought that Second-hand Ship Salesmen were known to be unscrupulous shark-like people." He nibbled his thumb nervously.

"Slime-balls the lot of ‘em" Julian agreed happily

"Then why, Captain, oh my Captain, are we planning on dealing with one?" Garak asked in bewilderment

"Say that again." Julian purred, nibbling excitedly on Garak’s neck ridge, which flushed even darker as Garak noticed Lore watching the exchange with definite interest.

"Say what?" Garak squealed, having completely lost the plot.

"What?" said the Captain, too distracted by his huge boner to listen.

"Someone disassemble me now" Lore groaned, then brightened as he remembered a cute little sub-routine he had downloaded on Mars. Maybe it was time for a little system interaction.

~~~

Several hours later, a very satiated Lore called out "We’re there!"

Julian hurriedly disentangled himself from his betrothed and rushed to the viewscreen.

"Shit. What the HELL is that?" He gasped

"I think it’s a Christmas tree" Garak breathed unbelievingly as he joined his Captain.

"In the middle of fucking nowhere, floating in space?"

"You know I don’t like THAT word." Garak griped

"Sorry honeybun" Julian said absently. "It’s fucking VEGAS"

Garak winced but decided to give up.

In front of them the dilapidated floating scrap yard was covered in flashing pink and blue neon signs.

"HONEST CHAKS" "SALE NOW ON!" "BARGAIN OF THE YEAR!"

"ONE TIME ONLY OFFER!!!!!!" "PART-EXCHANGE WELCOME"

"NO DECENT OFFER REFUSED!"

And in smaller letters

"ASK FOR CREDIT AND WE’LL SHOOT YOU LIKE THE DOGS YOU ARE!"

"Friendly place" Captain Bashir mumbled sarcastically

They docked and descended into a garishly lit corridor. A huge green arrow blinked off and on, pointing them towards a doorway.

Lore led the way with confidence, bursting through the door into a large office. Garak looked at the fake wood paneling, the broken over-flowing filing cabinets, the plastic plants and rickety chairs and he sighed heavily.

Bashir was more interested in the man behind the desk, who was hurriedly stuffing a sheaf of fake registration documents in a broken drawer.

Sure he had successfully hidden all incriminating evidence, the big handsome American Indian gave a wide dimpled grin, flashing 2000 credits worth of dental work.

"How!" He said solemnly and stood up to reveal his full ceremonial dress, complete with the feathers of at least three endangered species in his long black hair.

"Hiya" Julian said nervously. "We’ve come to buy a port nacelle."

"Smoke first. Then Firewater. Talk later" Honest Chak said producing a huge peace pipe and brandishing it in their direction. He lit it and sucked deeply, then exhaled a huge waft of smoke in their direction.

Garak squeaked nervously. His father’s errant habits had taught him the unmistakable aroma of cannabis.

"Cut the crap, Chak. We’re on a deadline. They’ve got the cash. Let’s deal." Lore said rudely, planting himself on one of the rickety chairs and wobbling dangerously.

"Shit. No one appreciates the old days anymore" Chak grunted. "Tourists used to PAY for this act, I’ll have you know!"

"Only the really sad ones." Lore said

"Ensign Kira would love it." Julian sniggered nastily.

"Port Nacelle, huh?" Honest Chak said, taking a deep breath and then letting it out with a clucking sound as he shook his head sadly. "Lot of demand for those these days. You came at a bad time I’m afraid. Don’t think I can help you. Could do you a great deal on a part-used auto destruct mechanism though."

"Part-used auto destruct mechanism?" Garak asked in bewilderment, chewing his thumb nervously.

"Well obviously it didn’t work the first time, but it comes with a full service and a 90-day warranty." Honest Chak smiled happily.

"We want a port nacelle" Julian hissed impatiently

"Let me see, let me see," The Indian replied, pretending to look through the papers on his desk "hmmm, maybe I’ve got SOMETHING, nah, probably too expensive for you, hmmm, perhaps this one, hmmm, only partly damaged."

Captain Bashir shuffled impatiently. Honest Chak looked up thoughtfully

"Are you looking for something IMPRESSIVE, something that says "I’m a big bad motherfucker and I’m gonna burn your ass off" or is it something more functional that you want."

"Functional would be good." Lore said quickly as he saw Julian getting ready to explode

"Ah, CHEAP then" Chak nodded sagely "What’s your ship?"

"The Deafiant" Garak said with innocent pride.

Honest Chak gave a huge choking sound, dropped behind his desk and could be heard sniggering wildly. A couple of minutes later he emerged again, wiping his eyes. "Dropped my pencil" he muttered, noticing Julian’s furious expression.

"Do you or do you not have a bloody Port Nacelle?" Julian snapped.

Lore closed his eyes. The price had just doubled.

"Ahem. Here’s something that might do the trick. Fell of the Stargazer when she blew up. One admittedly less than careful owner but not in bad shape all things considered. Comes with a 90-day warranty of course."

"Which becomes invalid once the nacelle has been installed, I suppose?" Julian asked suspiciously.

Honest Chak spread his arms helplessly. "Only if you modify it in any way. That’s fair isn’t it."

"It won’t fit without modification." Lore interjected

Honest Chak looked innocently at the android "It’s not MY fault you’ve got a prototype ship!"

"It’s not MY ship, it’s HIS" Lore clarified, he wanted to keep his name as far as possible from any connection with the bag of bolts called Deafiant.

"How much?"

Honest Chak pondered slowly. "Well I’m stealing the food out of my children’s mouths but you seem like a nice bunch of people, and I hate to take advantage. Let’s say 15000 credits?"

"HOW MUCH?"

"I know, unbelievable bargain isn’t it?" Chak grinned, "Especially since no-one else in the Quadrant can offer you anything this side of Christmas."

Captain Bashir turned savagely on Lore.

"Okay, you bastard. How much is he paying you?"

"What? Me? Would I?" Lore said innocently, unaware that the wires behind his ear were sparking again, a definite sign to Bashir that the android was lying.

Julian turned back to the Indian, clenching his fists in fury

"5000, take it or leave it, you thieving bastard."

A huge tear formed in Chak’s right eye and rolled with masterful slowness down his bronze cheek.

"I’m hurt. Wounded. You have kicked me in my pride." He moaned

"I’ll kick you in the balls if you don’t stop playing games with me."

The Indian huffed.

"10,000 and I’ll throw in some home-baked brownies."

"7500 and keep your bloody brownies. I hate the damned things" Julian snarled as an unwelcome image of Kira’s face flashed before his eyes.

Honest Chak spat on his palm and held it out. Gingerly, Julian reached his own hand out and squeezed. He grimaced as he felt the spittle slime across his skin, but decided it was still better than tribble-piss.

"Done" Honest Chak grinned and Julian had the sinking feeling that he had been,

As the Indian rummaged for the paperwork, Garak whispered quietly in Julian’s ear.

"Oh yes, you have a Sears catalogue?" He mentioned reluctantly.

Honest Chak straightened happily and grinned ear to ear.

"Oh yes, latest edition, it’s got a special wedding supplement!" he grinned, unwittingly confirming Julian’s suspicion that Lore had set him up.

Julian was tempted to leave it, but now Garak had gotten over his initial worry that the Sears Catalogue was a tool of the devil, the Cardassian was virtually hopping with excitement and Julian didn’t have the heart to refuse him.

"Where is it?" He asked tiredly

"Oh, I’ll get my husband to show it to your fiancée while we go fetch the Nacelle." Honest Chak grinned

So much for your starving bloody children, Julian thought.

"TOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY!" Chak yodeled

So quickly it seemed he had been lurking behind the door, (which in fact was exactly what he had been doing) Tommy Chakotay minced in the door on 6inch stilettos, fluttered his false eyelashes at the startled Bashir and fluffed his bouffant blonde hair.

"Visitors! How DAARHLING!" he screeched, smoothing his tight Lycra miniskirt over his narrow hips.

Garak’s eyes bulged out of his head as he looked at the endless silk stockinged legs.

"Is that a MAN or a WOMAN?" He whispered to Julian in panic.

"I don’t think he’s decided." Julian sniggered back although he had to admit that the blonde was stunning, if far too camp for his taste.

"Lets leave the boyz to shop" Chak grinned, leading the way to the storage area.

Julian and Lore hurried after him, closing their ears to Garak’s panicked wail as Tommy closed in on him.

"Am I going to corrupt YOU, sugarlips" they heard Tommy giggle as Garak began a frantic recitation of the rosary.

"Jesus, what have I done?" Julian asked Lore "I’ve left my fiancée with the Drag Queen from Hell."

Lore smirked "Believe me Bashir, it’s gonna be the best thing that ever happened to that poor catholic boy."

"It’s CAPTAIN Bashir to you." Julian snapped furiously

~~~

It took a couple of hours to forklift the nacelle to the docking bay and tether it to the back of Lore’s shuttle.

Julian was beginning to be really worried about Garak so he was relieved to enter the shuttle and find Garak already on board.

"So you escaped Tommy?" he asked playfully

"Hummmm" Garak replied, nervously trying to hide a white box behind his back.

"What have you got there, honey?"

Garak’s neck ridges turned a deep purple

"Brownies" he finally confessed guiltily.

Julian shuddered. "I’ll just put them in the back, shall I?" he said and opened the cargo hold door "GARAK! WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS?" he yelled. The hold was stuffed full of brightly coloured parcels.

"Well, the mail order takes SO long, and Tommy had so many nice samples and – and – and – "

"You’ve been corrupted!" Julian concluded

Garak’s lower lip quivered and he chewed nervously on his thumb as guilty tears formed in his eyes.

"I’ve been BAD haven’t I?" he whimpered

"Just overexcited and manipulated by a master. We simply can’t afford all this stuff!" Julian said quietly

Captain Julian Bashir, now bankrupt, turned with surprising patience to his fiancée and gave him a comforting hug, hoping desperately that Honest Chak’s had a refund policy. His hands slid over Garak’s back and stopped in confusion. His fingers explored for a few moments and then grasped Garak's shoulders and pushed the Cardassian away so he could look in the tear-stained face.

"What the HELL are you wearing?"

Garak gulped and flushed guiltily.

"TOMMY said you’d LIKE it!" he muttered defensively.

Julian slowly began to unbutton Garak’s shirt and then he simply gasped at the sight before his eyes.

"Lore, get us out of here, NOW!" he ordered firmly.

"Don’t you want to take the stuff back?" Garak asked in confusion.

Julian grinned evilly. "Nah, I want to see you in EVERYTHING!" and he tugged Garak into the hold and firmly closed the door.

The End.